There, But for the Grace of Porn, Go I

September 8, 2003
Author: Leisure Butcher
The Ecchi abroad & the Ecchi at home

Unless you're Amish, you're no stranger to hentai. (And if you are Amish and reading this, then chances are you've been doing an awful lot of cocaine and your five years of Rumspringa-inspired rutting are almost up.) As such, I assume you're perfectly at home with who you are & where you are in the world, and it almost goes without saying that you've seen so much japscat, electroplay & soulbounding that if you ever wound up in court, your attorney would have to explain “community standards” to you with a Speak-n-Say. When you have drunken late-night conversations in mixed company, you're so self-assured in declaring yourself a pervert that you inspire your peers to admit their degeneracy as well.

At least I hope you are. Many of us have succumbed to self-loathing on an epic scale. This article is dedicated to those of you questioning the rightness of your rigidity. So. Happy or sad, you're dick-deep in foreign smut. Like David Byrne, you may be asking yourself, “How did I get here? My god, what have I done?”

How did it start? Porn, obviously. But what is porn? Don't worry, I'm not going off on a boring bent about Lenny Bruce & Larry Flynt; that's a dong that deserves some downtime. No, what I'm asking is, why are bigeyed girls with dicks more appealing than a lifetime dedicated to the adoration of Adonai? Note: If “Adonai” confuses you, think of it as being God's account name; not as imposing and self-important as Tetragrammaton, and nowhere near as L33T as YHWH, “Adonai” is basically a discreet way of paging the Admin Upstairs. What? Oh, I'm sorry, porn vs. godfearing misery. Right.

Some pundits would have it that pornography is nothing more than the capitalist's appeal to the prurient interests of the consumer, which is a lot like the child saying the emperor has no hard on, only twice as gay and nowhere near as disturbing. With this socioeconomic cock blocked, who is left that can define our interests with authority?

Other perverts, of course.

Now, if we consider the offensive aphorism that “...a white woman naked is pornography; a black woman naked is anthropology,” and ditch the racism implicit in the statement, we can approach our fetish afresh. Ecchis aren't just out to juke their junk, rather they are, in the manner of Wilhelm Reich, on a voyage of self-exploration for the betterment of all mankind. In the course of that, in an effort to escape hating one's own nature, one tries to assimiliate other cultures. This is a voyage that will take many of us through the rancid back rooms of every comic book store in the country.

Folks, this goes beyond a simple past-time; we are talking about hardcore research. The next time some shitnosed snob gives you grief about how you have the entire run of PINK SPECIAL: GARDEN INTERRUPTION (Vols. I-XVII) on the shelf right next to Finnegan's Wake, explain to him that a single volume of that esteemed work costs more an electron microscope. I guarantee, your credibility will go up like the Challenger. (Never mind the fact that this undermines my argument against porn just being a racket designed to ransack your pocket. The pursuit of the perfect jerk is fraught with contradiction.)

Only one other case of “expertise married to corruption” can compare, and that's MIT. Don't bother applying for an internship, however; all you'll find are disgruntled alcoholics more interested in slapping each other's dicks with slide rules than they are in panties. Scientific perversion lacks the compelling je ne sais quoi to be found in our raunchy little ghetto.

Now, through my many years of 'research' in this field, I've come across a number of definitions as to what it is I'm doing with my dick. One etymologist defines hentai as literally meaning “change”, or “transformation”, in line with the english definition of “perversion”. The most common usage, hentai seiyoku, means “a person inclined that way”, i.e. someone who approaches the subject of desire in an “abnormal” fashion, whatever the fuck THAT means.

In our degraded Campbell's Soup “any old rotting carrot will do” way, America has taken hentai to mean “IT GOT DUH POON”. Hence all the slagheaps online bragging about their HUUUGE galleries of 'hardcore hentai'. Certain elitists whine that this cavelier usage is not unlike saying, “I watched some aberration last night, and brother did it GIVE ME THE STICKY.” I can only assume that people with sensibilities so easily chafed spend their nights jerking off with Vaporub and building shrines to Noam Chomsky.

Far dearer than to our pants than “hentai” is the word “ecchi”, which we are told is based on the Japanese pronunciation of the letter H. It's explained as being an abbreviation of hentai, but meaning “lustful”, or “sexual”.

For background, I consulted Tongpoo at Everything˛:

“...the slang H became widely known from a fictional series in Asahi Shinbun titled “shiroi magyo” (white devil fish) during June 6, 1955 - March 15, 1956. In it, the author gives a character the nickname of H, the initial of Hentai.” Later that same entry, Tongpoo cites an earlier, more reliable source as being the July 13th, 1952 issue of Asahi Weekly: “ the article with a title that could be translated as “contemporary student vocabulary” it is mentioned that H is the head of “Hentai-sei” (perverted sexuality).” Finally, he tells us that “ecchi” is even used as a verb; ecchi suru, or, “to do ecchi”.

I suspect this Humble Scholar, like some Nazi rival of Indiana Jones, managed to find the ecchi equivalent of El Dorado before we did, and I don't doubt that he “did ecchi” to several native guides getting there.

It's easy to see the appeal of “ecchi” over “hentai”; it's succinct, it's harder to abuse, and it makes being covered in your own semen sound chic.

Now, keep the definition of ecchi in mind as I & my close friend, Misguided Sense of Adventure, show you the alternative lifestyle (putatative normalcy) that you've taken for granted. Witness the “DESCRIBE EFFECTIVE METHODS TO PREVENT CHILDREN MASTURBATING” DREAMBOOK

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