The Grotesqueries Of The Shoujo-ai Archive

December 24, 2002
Author: Very Metal
"Oh Sakura-chan, I don't suppose that Kero-chan intended you to use your magic wand like THAT! ^_~ tee hee *blush* ::blinks:: ~°rectal hemorrhaging!~"

When this article was posted originally, the kind folks at the Shoujo-ai Archive promptly barred all links from our site. Have they grown up enough in those two years to realize that the site levelling the criticism is a site devoted to analyzing and making lousy dick jokes about terrible porno comics from Japan, and thus they should probably not pay attention to us? We'll see. Also THESE GUYS ALL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR WATCHING MARIA-SAMA GA MITERU SO DON'T FEEL TOO BAD DUDES!!! ~The Editor

I apologise in advance for this one. Youíll understand soon enough, given that todayís subject is about as capable in its own defence as a wheelchair-bound midget in a funhouse. If by the time youíve finished reading this youíre thinking “Jesus, VM, I could have said that... I would have sauced it up with some nudie scenes and a couple of car chases too!” then youíre probably justified. Truth is it was either this exercise in redundancy or more nothing. But, for those of you really worth your 100 point badges, there is the opportunity to sup gently on the flaccid irony of attempting to ridicule a spectacularly unnecessary and overwrought subject through a further gratuitous over-application of effort. SEXY!

To read Ecchi Attack is to grasp things by the root. It says so on the t-shirts. What is it then to read The Shoujo-Ai archive?” (Protip: “Shoujo-Ai” is Japanese for “piss poor”) Is it to be bewildered by shitty graphics? Is it to learn that you could comfortably accommodate a more encyclopaedic “archive” around the circumference of a urinal lozenge? Is it to fully believe that “many heterosexual males” enjoy looking at pictures of hungry young cat-eared cartoon schoolgirls shoulder-deep between each otherís legs because it redefines traditional gender roles?

Or... is it to experience the white-hot innovation of their Captioned Pictures Forum? Once youíve seen the impossible strides the shoujo-ai elite have made in the field of “nice girl-girl relationships” you will believe the masturbatory horizon is wide open again. The pictures of impossible doe-eyed creatures pawing and lapping at each other to which you and I are accustomed are co-ordinated and animated to an extraordinary pitch, but nothing to compare with this. Now it becomes apparent why so little else is forthcoming from the archive; this foremost vanguard of male heterosexuality, galvanised by “the amount of yaoi/shounen-ai content out there”, has entirely spent itself on the equivalent of bedecking immense weapons of destruction with go-faster stripes and incredibly fey “PEOPLE = SHIT” decals. Seeing as the gist of shoujoai.comís mission statement is that every right-thinking penis in existence is under threat from serried legions of thirteen-year old girls who, significantly, wonít slowly and photogenically fuck their best friends at the drop of a hat, but who will sweat blood to see that bunny-Vincent becomes the touchstone of human sexuality, youíd imagine they could come up with a more absolute defence against having to suck Harry Potterís cock for eternity than the plastic cup of lukewarm piss theyíre banking on at the moment.

The Captioned Pictures Forum will probably amaze and delight if you enjoy either the Tautologies Explained For Teens Forum or the Grotesquely Fucking Inane Banter Message Board. Also if youíre one of the children who, in good faith, piles adjectives onto already unambiguous nouns to create wrecks like “horrific atrocity” or “awful, terrible murders” or indeed “gley lancer”. In short; people who have trouble getting the point without it slapping them forcefully around the mouth.

What this sticky nest of shoujo-ai fanatics has succeeded in doing is pouring literally minutes of their precious jerking time into supplementing endless pictures of girls with their own fantastically unnecessary and entirely crap “sexy” or “funny” captions. Every single one of which could be seamlessly replaced with the words “OOOOH! SEX!” much to the improvement of the general effect. Youíll never tire of flabby, self-satisfied, sweaty backroom clique humour faster than when every name finishes with a cutesy Japanese suffix, every sentence with a “^____^” variation, and every single fucking picture receives the same token half-dozen “HEE HEE!”/”^___^ VERY NICE!”/”SO KAWAII ^__~”/”::BLINKS:: O_O”/”XD FUNNY!”/”SWEATDROP!” replies. Apparently simply incorporating pictures of Asuka and Rei looking drugged or anything Card Captor Sakura-based means you donít have to stretch yourself beyond recording the most banal and vapid statements which collect amid the scum at the edge of your shallow, dark little mind.

For those not laughing (you evil people) the reason itís hilarious is, and Iím laughing just explaining this, theyíre telling us what we already had to know to arrive at the most basic understanding of the picture in an awkward, unnatural fashion with the aid of barely titillating soft core pornography. Jesus Christ, itís the “Heil, Honey Iím Home” for our generation. And I would go so far as to say that this picture makes you “laugh loudly” and go “heehee!” even though personally I donít know whether to be more amused or more aroused by the humorous allusion to bank after bank of an illegal sexual act. Needless to say, Jacques Derrida would love these guys.

Enlightening and erotic, I think youíll find. Thatís the particular genius of them - the yakuza. Now Iíll never be able to look at one tiny girl whispering to another without wondering if theyíre secretly fucking each other with the bananas from their packed lunches between episodes of forcing whole bunches of grapes up each otherís rose-scented anuses, giggling “if our moms found out about this weíd only ever get tuna sandwiches at lunchtime ^_~ etc.etc.” The unabridged version of this exercise in mindlessness continues for some nine or so pages, the majority of which Iíll leave for you to discover, since any further explanation would cheapen us all.

However, I wouldnít want you to think the Captioned Pictures Forum was all about reflexive, mechanical shit of the type which lost its appeal for most people at the age of three. It would be unfair for you to think was a haven just for people who make a virtue of shouting “dark” and laughing (while masturbating in a venomous rictus of fury) when they notice a light source. Itís also heavily influenced by toddlers who throw toys from their crib so they can become aroused when their mother has to come along and bend over in her skimpy nightie to pick them up. Less psychologically telling, but no less true, is the fact theyíre also quite adept at framing pictures like grandma: plenty of wall.

For those of you who just canít sustain an erection to the intellectual and artistic equivalent of the mould which accumulates on cheese, the Shoujo-Ai Archive presents plenty of opportunity to stretch yourself in other ways. Try the apparently simple task of working out what the fuck is going on in half of the pictures, for starters. Or, why not read some erotic lesbian fanfiction? With over twelve stories to choose from, youíre sure to find something to print out, staple together into a crude newspaper, and read aloud in the airport lobby. And should even that prove dull then, nestled away amid all the Sailor Moon screen captures, I promise thereís always something to make death lose his sting.

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