The Good and the Beautiful Part 1

July 1, 2002
Author: Very Metal
Herein lies the purifying, all-american, nougat-centered love every busty anime heroine desperately desires.

You should know the drill by now. In the four years since this article, we've seen most of the authors, with their works, make a run for villages on the edge of Tijuana, trying to piece back together a simple life, marrying village girls and selling traditional Mayan woven rugs, fearing that every day will be their icepick-in-the-back, Trotsky-esque finale. While I can't confirm whether or not the highly-trained Ecchi Attack assassins who have infiltrated every level of society really are on the lookout for these once-notorious fanficteers, I can say that it really isn't too bad to not be able to read the full text of these monstrosities, is it? ~The Editor

You know, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on The Good and The Beautiful, if we just take the time to look at it.

The last I saw of The Good and The Beautiful, part of it was at the bottom of the lake, or it was blowin' in part of the wind. 'Twas erotic Tenchi Muyo fanfiction that killed the beast. A hundred thousand stories about one cock and its indecision at the twenty-one perpetually eager holes immediately on offer. Five hundred thousand stories of how every one of Tenchi's childlike women can triumph over their ambiguous, one-dimensional neurosis in the name of sex. A million stories concerned with the hella cool author turning up in his black trench coat to shoot broadsides of his rich, nutritious semen into Mihoshi's tidy rear end. Okay, everyone; there, you killed it. Happy now?

I'm sorry, Tenchi fandom, but you're really going to have to pull something out of the bag if you're ever going to think about absolving yourself. I can't imagine more generous material than what you have initially been gifted: a panoply of sexually frustrated, pliant, unintimidating young ladies and their not ungenerous breasts; all orbiting around the lack of a single functioning pair of testicles. So what exactly was the problem? Which part of the above caused you such irredeemable collective grief that you've only been able to churn out abysmal quantities of pure shit? At what point did prodigious amounts of Miho-Kiyo-Ryo sex seem like a really bad idea? Was it around the same time that you decided the grievously underage Sasami was the best place for Tenchi to park his dick?

Shouldn't you people be busy cosplaying or something? Would you mind terribly being busy cosplaying? If you're looking for tiny costumes overflowing with space girl ass I'd much rather you upset the con and its large types in their cardboard wigs and plastic bags than regale me with the epic adventures of “Zero Cool”, who comes from space with his specially weighted clothes (belt, 15 pounds; boxers, 0.5 pounds) to spam-javelin Sasami. Just cut out the middleman: get drunk, pick a fight with Derek Rich in the Kawaiicon parking lot, and in the ensuing riot of fists, cardboard swords and tear gas, get thrown into jail wearing your fruity costume. You'll get some action then. I guarantee it.

And, in case you're wondering, we'll be hearing more from “Zero Cool” and his exciting adventures in dangerous mental illness in part two. Today is reserved for all those uniquely beautiful snowflakes who turn up at the Masaki fight and fuck-fest with, oddly enough, no great intentions to die in a puddle of their own gay heroics. These are modest men, with modest ambitions of slamming their so hulking pricks balls deep into a rapid succession of hastily-sketched women to the tune of Limp Bizket's “Boiler”. All they do is incredible, horrible shit, and they do it well.

Well, into the stump grinder, testicles. Everyone else meet today's stars and their leviathan issues with women.

Introducing “F.T.W.”; friend to “all the Juggalos and Ninjas... Cobras, X-men and Counts” and author of “A F.T.W. Lemon”. For all the elegance it displays, this event in world literature might as well open with a shot of a naked old lady falling out of her wheelchair and tumbling down a flight of concrete steps. Kiyone and Jynx (remember him? I have such fond memories of that character) are very much in love. Let's watch them love each other. The end.

Behind that unassuming non-plot beats the mighty, throbbing cock of an idiot. Things happen in this fic, things with very tenuous connections both to reality and to each other. If you put a bunch of weird, incorrect sexual practices into a hat full of boiling lemon juice, ejaculated slivers of broken glass into it and then drew half a dozen out at random with the lank, claw-like shreds of your ruined penis you'd get this story. For instance, it's no longer just female holes which are the wellspring of thick saccharine outpourings. Even breasts now come complete with their own coating of sex oil, since we all know how attractive a girl is basted in her own glandular unguents: “Kiyone's breast... one reason or the next looked a wee bit wet.” Jynx is willing to overlook this, though, if only to indulge his fetish for the back of girls' legs. What a prince!

If not for their perversions the characters wouldn't feature in the story at all. If Kiyone didn't like downing her own “lovely juice” or sucking it straight from Jynx's wormlike tongue she wouldn't have a speaking role. Likewise if the author didn't have a thing for women who act like masochistic sandbags full of excessively lubricated vaginal muscles the story wouldn't even exist, but unfortunately “F.T.W.” knows what he likes in a girl, and it's self-abuse.

Naturally it doesn't take long for our waif of a heroine to gorge herself on her sweet honey, leaving the reader to ask “oh boy, what could possibly top this?” What's the only logical conclusion to almost two solid minutes of leg-licking and cum-drinking? Violent, brutal, non-consensual anal penetration, off course. Anal penetration which results in “moan and screams,” no less. Or as “F.T.W.” puts it:

“Suddenly a sharp pain hit her from behind as Jynx began to fuck her in the ass.”

Surprise! Yes, that's one man's beautiful artistic vision: to lovingly detail “each thrust into her sensitive anus” and the “small trickle of blood” which inevitably results. It's kiilling her but he loves it! Then apparently feeling Kiyone has learned her lesson and will think twice before ever being born a woman again the merciful, wonderful Jynx relents, whips his ten inches out of her raw, bleeding anus and goes to sleep. A sequel is promised. I'd wish the cavernous genital abscess who is responsible for “A F.T.W. Lemon” nothing but death if only I didn't know he had so many more “shoutoutz” still to give.

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