The Anti-Hentai Revolution

January 30, 2002
Author: Ukuhawa
Will we be the first against the wall?

Imagine this hypothetical situation: You've just finished watching a brand new anime series - for the purposes of this article, we'll call it “Pretty Barbecue Magic.” It's about a teenage boy trying to fit in at his new high school, having to make new friends and deal with bullies and homework, and it's all made even more complicated by a magical fairy that only he can see, who has the power to transform into a fully operational barbecue. If this series already exists, don't bother pointing it out - this is just a hypothetical situation. Anyway, you've just seen the rather predictable ending, and even though you enjoyed it, you still feel like there's something missing. Then it occurs to you: surely, somewhere on the internet, you'd be able to find some Pretty Barbecue Magic hentai! Does this situation sound familiar? I hope it does, or else I've got no idea what I'm talking about. You spend hours searching for the hentai you want, but you can't find it anywhere. In fact, you can't find any hentai at all - every piece of hentai on the internet has mysteriously disappeared. And to make things worse, you've just broken your leg. Is this a world you want to live in? While this is probably not an ideal situation for you, there are people in the world - although the word “people” seems strangely out of place - who have dedicated their lives to eliminating anything resembling hentai from the internet. Their reason? Because they don't like hentai. Are you shocked? I know I am. But why do these misguided freaks hate hentai enough to want to destroy it completely? Here are just a few reasons:

A recent anti-hentai protest outside the White House, led by anti-hentai crusader Michael Stanley (right).
“Hentai is giving anime a bad name.” Firstly, anime already has a bad name. I spent three years sounding like a dickhead because I thought “anime” rhymed with “time.” But what these anti-hentai crusaders are saying is that since hentai looks just like anime with less clothes and more unidentified white liquid, a lot of people can't tell the difference between the two, and avoid (or protect their children from) anime because of hentai. Remember when George Lucas sued the makers of Star Ballz because he didn't think people would be able to tell the difference between it and Star Wars? This is the same thing, except on a much larger scale.

In the post-apocalyptic anti-hentai world of the future, this picture of Quistis from Final Fantasy VIII will only be available on the black market for $300.
“(favourite anime character) is an innocent little prince/princess/creature, and he/she/it should be protected from all this filth.” This is also a common motive for hentai destruction, and while it's slightly easier to understand than the previous one, it still doesn't make any sense. For me to explain why it doesn't make any sense, we have to imagine that the characters which often appear in anime and hentai are real. For your average character, anime and hentai provide a healthy balance of magical fighting and even more magical sex. Anime gives the heroine a chance to save the world; hentai lets the heroine be rewarded with a big male genital in her butts. Getting rid of hentai would mean that the characters would have no sex life at all. For an anime character, a sex life is vitally important. How are they supposed to concentrate on using their powers to defeat evil if they know, in the back of their mind, that they're doomed to a life of celibacy? They would knock their arch-nemesis to the ground, prepare to cast a spell that would destroy him, and suddenly start pulling their hair out and yelling “Honestly, what's the fucking point?” Just as hentai is dependant on anime, anime is dependant on hentai.

“Mark Wahlberg hates hentai too.” This is the most confusing reason I've heard for hating hentai. In the last few months, Mark Wahlberg has appeared in a series of public service announcements in which he talks about the dangers of hentai, and why it should be stopped. Nobody is sure what Mark Wahlberg's motive is, although there are rumours that he began his campaign after his recent discovery of some particularly obscene Funky Bunch yaoi on the internet, but he should not be trusted.

But if the anti-hentai crusaders have devoted their lives to getting rid of hentai, then why haven't they succeeded? After all, the hentai community hasn't exactly been doing much to stop them. Well, the truth is, nobody needs to stop them - they haven't got a chance in hell. For a start, they're still fighting with each other because they can't agree on the exact meaning of the word “hentai.” Also, there are only about five of them. I probably should have mentioned that before.

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