Shit Trek III: The Search for Scat

December 11, 2002
Author: Elfin
The fastest way to a man's heart is through your bowels.

Coprophilia. It's probably not a household word. The dictionary defines it as “an excessive and often sexual fascination with human excrement.” Sure, it's not everyone's idea of a good time, and it's not mine either. But I do find it amusing. People playing with shit, eating shit, enjoying shit. Brings a smile to your face, doesn't it? I want to take you with me on an adventure to find something that I've been searching for for a long time.

Coprophilia hentai.

It was an idea that popped into my head one rainy afternoon, while I surfed the web for pictures of Eiko from FF9 fisting G.I. Joe. Sure the true hardcore will probably laugh at my innocence, and fall over themselves in the honest effort to be the first to serve up a picture of Alucard grunting a large turd into Simon Belmont's mouth, or something equally improbable. (For “equally improbable”, read: “It's out there somewhere on a fucked up Japanese site, I just haven't located it yet.”) But I welcome their criticisms, as I'm not as adept at the hentai / doujinshi / lemon / fanfic / 12-penised-donkey-porn thing as some. But I wanted to throw myself into this quest with vigor, to see what I could find and show to my mother, and say, “this is what I do on my weekends, what about you?”

I really didn't know what to think of that picture. It made me want to stick a sharpened pencil into my eye while searching for King Of Fighters hentai. While jerking. I wonder if that's physically possible? Perhaps I'll leave it for the next article, if my dick doesn't fall off before then.
Did I have a specific idea of what I wanted to find? Did I want certain characters in this hentai I was after? Well, yes. For a long time now, there has been one girl who has been the object of my pictorial lust, and I'm sure some people would agree with me. Quistis from Final Fantasy 8. To me, she embodies everything I like about hentai. She's smart, she wields a whip, she wears glasses, and most of all, at least according to short, fat Japanese artists with meticulous collections of schoolgirl panties, she likes nothing more than to spend a lazy afternoon guzzling sperm from any cock she can get her hands on.

So, this is how I began my search. I really had no idea how I should approach this undertaking, so I started with trusty old Google. Typing in “quistis trepe eating shit” seemed to be a good start, so I went with that.

Well, that didn't work very well, did it? I clicked the first link that came up, and was magically transported to a fanfic written by someone calling themselves “ZellyBaby.” I thought, “Okay, if I can't find some high quality drawings of Quistis eating brown paste, perhaps I can be satisfied with a written description.” Naturally, after reading this painful diversion about Squall and Quistis getting it on behind Rinoa's back - totally lacking in sexual descriptions, of course - I returned to Google to try a different approach.

I became more despondent, as “Final Fantasy 8 scat party” delivered equally mystifying results. The first link took me to a strange website that hosted lyrics for songs, and apparently what Google thought I wanted were the lyrics to “Tenohira no Naka no Kagayaki (Scat Version).” This wasn't what I was after either, but I did stick around and sing a few acapella versions of “Fry me to the Moon,” from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

But I digress.

Returning to Google, I tried “squall quistis zell selphie turd touching balamb garden fecal fantasy diarrhea ho-down” and was dismayed to see that Google could not match it to any documents. Well fuck. What good is a search engine if it can't take me to shoddy jpegs of fictional game characters indulging in a game of “Back Door Restaurant?” Clearly, it was time to try something new.

I ventured over to the Hentai Top 100, and had a look around. Jesus, what a depressing place. So, there's 100 or so of these sites, all offering me 100% free! hentai at the click of a button. Except, as anyone familiar with the world of internet porno knows, 100% free! actually means “monthly payments of $19.95!”, but I kept looking around anyway. This looked promising. Lo and behold, they were honest to god free, and fuck me with a Perrier bottle, they had a Quistis archive! LET ME IN! I booted up the archive and... well... nothing I hadn't seen before.

I proceeded to the manga gallery, to see if I could find anything there. Just in case you were wondering: I absolutely was not doing all this while jerking furiously with my left hand! The gallery had a enough to keep me busy for quite a while, and I diligently searched for anything remotely resembling that blonde-haired temptress being forcefed shit through a funnel. I think it was about here that my girlfriend came in and asked what I was doing. The conversation is as follows:

“Whatcha doin', baby?”

“I'm writing a new article for Ecchi Attack.”

“Oh, it's been a while hasn't it?”


“What's this one about?”

“Well, I'm trying to find pictures of a character from Final Fantasy 8 eating shit.”

“Okay honey, have fun.”

And then she went off and started playing Mario Sunshine. My mind wandered slightly after that, as thoughts of trying to find drawings of Princess Peach engulfing Toad's entire head with her vagina began to appeal to me. I quickly shook this off and resumed my duties. I found Selphie in a double penetration scene and considered having a quick tug, but I backtracked and kept looking for my elusive goal. Then I found a whole treasure trove of Final Fantasy X manga, which kept me occupied for quite a while. But all this served to merely distract me from the task at hand. With renewed vigor, I delved back into to my erstwhile search, the search of a lifetime.

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