Now we move onto Ralf, who is making some lyrically dire music together with “Athens the Idol.” Idol? I'm not sure if that's a mistranslation, but the only “Athenses” I've ever heard of are low-rent strippers at biker dives. Athens' name ain't magic, but the way she can fire tennis balls out her snatch sure seems that way. So anyway, here Ralf's - and by proxy, Dojin2000's - lesson to us is that The Vulkan Fuck Will Get Girls Pregnant. I don't know whether or not the translators are referring to a “Vulcan Fuck”, also known as the brutal “Pon Farr” which a Vulcan goes through every seven years and... Uh, wait, I don't know this, I'm way too cool for Star Trek, yeah. Well, uh, anyway, according to some TOTAL NERD I know, it usually winds up with a few redshirts getting vaporized and Captain Kirk's shirt getting torn, revealing his manly chest. I know that Star Trek and sex is an oxymoron, but if you're not looking to create progeny with your crippled, nerdy seed, I would probably refrain from dueling your best friend and commanding officer in a frothing, lustful rage, with tense war drums and horns blaring in the background. That shit's so hot that your potential mate will ovulate right there. Provided you're circa 1967 Leonard Nimoy, that is.
We continue our escapades with Ralf and “Athens”, and it looks like Ralf is winding down. His “Vulkan Fuck” has indeed completed its “five year mission” and is “returning to spacedock for a shakedown” and GOD I CAN'T HELP IT WON'T ANY WOMAN LOVE ME LIKE COUNSELLOR TROI!?! All goofy Trek-based metaphors for sex aside, “He Ejaculated Inside My Vagina”: The vagina is mysterious, and few have escaped its binding gravitational field to tell the tale. One thing we do know through orbital telescopes, computer simulations, and ill fated research missions is that ejaculation (i.e. the expulsion of semen from the penis) inside the vagina (i.e. the female sex organ) often leads to pregnancy. Correlation is not causation, but this hypothesis we have, that ejaculation causes pregnancy, is a good deal better than the Magical Fairyland Gamete Elves explanation we've been relying on thus far. I'd say that it's generally a good rule of thumb to wear some protection for your jimmy. Preferrably kevlar coated, if only to armor yourself against the vicious vagina-dwelling beasts which have stolen away the lives of so many promising young men and women.

Now Clark, not using the same dangerous and universally outlawed sexual techniques as Ralf, has been able to go for much longer. He starts working his verbal game on Mai; Mai responding with “Come On, Don't Say Such Hentai Things”: First of all, randomly dotting your sentences with wildly out-of-context Japanese words is a bad habit to get into during sex, but that's just common sense. The real lesson is that saying things like “You slut, I'll come inside your horny vagina”, though fucking embarrassing, flicks your lady on like a lightbulb. You can see from the picture that it's kiilling her but, in truth, actually loves it. This is an important lesson: Chicks did derogatory and overly clinical dirty talk; study after study proves that nothing gets a woman hotter than a wildly misogynistic gynocologist. Try it yourself: “You dirty cumguzzling skank, my thrusting glans is rubbing against your clitoris, thus producing pleasurable stimulation!”, “You worthless, syphillitic whore, I find your labia majora fascinating.” Look, I know it sounds stupid, but Dojin2000 knows what they're talking about: After “translating” so many fictional accounts of sex between cartoon characters, I think that they'd have picked a little something up.

But in the end we learn a hard lesson about sex. Clark has underestimated the amount of sperm his virile, very heterosexual seminal vesicles can produce. Mai voices her concern. “I'm Afraid It Will Overflow, And Spill Out”: Have you ever read the Bible? Me neither, but it's great to pick out bits and pieces to sound totally deep and in touch with your spiritual side, that really gets the babes off. At least, that's what Hideaki Anno's been letting on. So yeah, check out Genesis 38: 9-10. Basically this dude named Onan pulls out and gets his man-gravy all over everywhere. This pisses God off, and he goes through the whole angry Old Testament God schpiel, which really sucks for Onan as he was getting some Tight Pussy Squeezing His Dick from his dead bro's wife. People, make sure you don't get your jizz all over the place, because God hates spurt all over everything - If you've ever tried getting a glob of the shit out of your clothes, or if you've ever had to unclog the goddamn drain on your bathtub after you've been jerking it in the shower for a while, semen's a real bitch to get out of anything. God, being the great motivator, basically has to do ALL the work around here while you just sit in your room and jack off all day. Goddamn ingrate. The point? Spill your goo, and God fucks you. And when God fucks you, God gives you painful chancres on your most personal areas. I keep telling him to get those checked out, but he keeps brushing me off and telling me that they'll go away in a couple of weeks.

Then Mai makes a sad revelation. “Today Is The Day Of My Period, Sorry Andy”. Wait, what? Even I can't make sense of this one. Dojin2000, you've just outdone yourselves again. So, while it may be entirely off subject, all I can say is that takin' the train through the tunnel on one of those heavy-flow days is really fucking gross and you shouldn't tell me about it. Especially not on forums for web sites devoted to cartoon porn. I mean, not referring to anyone in particular here, because I know you're an audience of good taste and reasonably high class, right? Right.
So we leave this group; “Athens the Idol” pregnant from dangerous and nerdy off-hours intercourse, Clark a smoldering burn mark on the carpet for fucking with God, and Mai menstruating. A cautionary tale for all of us aspiring non-virgins. Frankly, this is the most powerful tale in this manga, but the most important lesson is featured in the next story - “I'll Stick It Into Your Womb”: Really, nothing is hotter to a girl than a prehensile penis that can worm its way up through the fallopian tubes. Not many can achieve this aside from Street Fighter 2's Dhalsim - A major reason why our emaciated friend isn't a sad fighting circuit virgin. Don't tell E. Honda how much Dhalsim's been getting, because he'll be really jealous and will probably be in a funk for a couple weeks, gorging himself on Hostess snack cakes and generally making a pathetic slob of himself. So yeah, because you don't have the powers of Yoga, you will never ever satisfy your woman and should just give up now. Sorry champ, according to the miracle of science and the wisdom of Dojin2000, you've been shot and rendered down into glue before you even left the gate.

Sex is mysterious, dangerous, and ultimately futile, as this manga has so vividly displayed. I think the moral is that we're much better off just beating off to crudely rendered approximations of the female form rather than chasing the risky, societally-imposed obligation of sexual intercourse. We won't get girls pregnant, be assaulted by demonic hellbeasts, have to recite utterly ridiculous and degrading pillow talk, won't leave our partner unfulfilled because we aren't made out of the same stuff as a Stretch Armstrong doll, and most importantly, we won't be smote by a vicious and angry God. So keep reading Ecchi Attack, kids, because we'll keep you safe. And lonely. Oh so very lonely.