Sex Ed With Dojin2000

November 11, 2002
Author: Reverend Ragu
It's educational, and it's ecchi. Ecchicational?

The female reproductive system is a mysterious and dangerous place; one of riddles, traps, and death around every corner. Considering our “lifestyle choices”, few of us will venture into this land of mystery and danger unless one happens to be female, but in that case I am seriously asking why you're hanging around this jizzy gymsock stinking jerkhole. Sp despite the improbability that any of us compulsive masturbators will ever see the perilous pink, someone is looking out for us on the increasingly improbable chance that any of us will ever get our dongs dipped in a biological female. Certainly, after the chain reaction of fuckups and self-inflicted calamities that have lead to me administrating a page where we analyze cartoon people having rough sex with one another, I'd be afraid of what kind of catastrophic fuck-ups in our reproductive systems that I could incur though total ineptitude.

Have no fear, virginal legions. The humanitarians at have seen the awful consequences of entering the winner-takes-all world of vaginal intercourse, and have decided to nip this problem in its wet, pink bud. Yes, the very same generous souls who offer you as much nebuously legal doujinshi that you can find anywhere else on the internet, adding several randomly selected almost-english words in the dialogue bubbles, and charging the saintly, so-cheap-it's-criminal price of $19.95 a month. You'd think that high-flying cartoon porn tycoons would forget all the little people, but not Dojin2000. Dojin2000 cares about you. Therefore, they 'translated' the doujinshi we will be looking at today, an instructional King of Fighters '99 doujinshi called “Fuckin' Good”.

Dojin2000 understands their audience much better than they understand the concept of piecing together a coherent sentence. If the aim is to educate the hairy palmed novices on the intricacies of the reproductive system, you can't just overwhelm them with this strange and convoluted new information, and making them sit and watch creepy and vaguely pedoerotic filmstrips an option. We get more than enough of that from our masturbatory material of choice, thanks. They have to synergize their approach, to educate and tittilate at the same time. It's edutainment folks, and this time there will be no “Math Blasting”, Mario can just damn well stay missing, and that bitch Carmen Sandiego won't steal any major geographical features on you: It's just “good” hardcore cartoon pornography.

For all their good intentions, Dojin2000 releases tend to be, well, fucking incomprehensible gibberish. Though we at Ecchi Attack aren't very well known for our coherence, we can at least claim to be better writers than the underaged Singaporean translation sweatshop workers employed by Dojin2000. That's why I, as a public service to the community, have decided to take it upon myself to reinterpret this very important doujinshi. Without further ado, I bring you:

Ragu's Guide to “Fuckin' Good”

Our intrepid protagonists in the opening chapter of this doujinshi are Ralf and Clark. Now, I know some of you don't like to play video game series consisting of nothing but effectively identical games with each incremental release bringing little more than a handful of new characters and even more pedantic gameplay than before, so here's the rundown on their characters. Ralf and Clark are the guys from the classic game series Ikari Warriors, who later migrated to the King of Fighters series. First of all, this doujinshi would like to dispel the rumors that Ralf and Clark's relationship is not so much “Platonic” as it is “Tom of Finlandic.” Despite Ralf's questionable fashion choices for winning Vietnam in the first Ikari Warriors, it was the eighties, man! His pink headband, pants, and shaved, glistening chest was totally heterosexual back then. Man, just watch Commando! With some some mood lighting and Phil Collins playing softly in the background. Oh, and the rumors of Clark's post-Ikari 2 affair with Zang Zip is completely apocryphal; filthy lies perpetrated by those closet cases Mad Dog and Scorpion to advance their own video game careers. Ralf and Clark are 100% American all-heterosexual beefcake...

Okay, uh, forget what I just said.

Our first lesson today: Clark has begun pumping the living hell out of Mai Shiranui. Clark, being as NOT GAY as he is, happens to be something of a poon connoisseur. Upon entering, he remarks “Great Pussy Squeezes My Dick.” That's something to remember: If you are not getting your dick squeezed, then you've obviously got some substandard pussy on your hands, or at least on your dick. We would have had no way of knowing this before, and we would likely have just taken some mediocre, non-squeezing pussy, thinking it's all the same, and having our expectations lowered even further! But it's like basing your opinion on asian cuisine from your experience with dried ramen, when you could be having Great Pussy Squeezing Your Dick at a really good Thai place. That's probably a health code violation, by the way, so I probably wouldn't eat at a place like that. The lesson we take away here is that you should march right back to that brothel you bought your thirty-fifth birthday present from and demand a refund, or at least an exchange. And don't eat at restaraunts where people are fucking on the tables.

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