Magic Polalamin

December 17, 2002
Author: Manna
Obviously some kind of filthy, little known sex act

Along with electronics, culture and food, one of Japan's leading exports would seem to be overwhelming WACKY. Especially among the upper-lower-middle rung of the otaku culture, those zany amateur programmers who turn out strip mahjong and games based on To Heart. Allow me to acquaint you with a spastic shooter called Magic Polalamin.

Continuing the tradition set forth by countless other shooter games, the title has next to nothing to do with the game. Polalamin isn't the heroine's name, or anyone else's as far as I can tell. My best guess is they just figured she was magical, and all the other names were taken.

The game follows Riru, “to-temo kawaii” little witch and her soda-pop powered cat Koro. Near as I can guess, the plot is her attempting to hunt down and destroy the killer robot MSX-12 while molesting as many maids as possible. To be honest, I had no clue this thing was a hentai game when I started playing it. The Underdogs commentary I glanced at mentioned “unnecessary hentai images”, but frankly, they use that phrase in all of the anime-styled games. So, after beating the enormous Mutoid Man/Doraemon boss at the end of the first stage, a dialogue scene between Riru and some red haired maid girl started. Then WHAM.
Coming from a game that, up until a second ago, was about as harmful as Kirby.

It's sad. From what I've read of other h-game reviews, this may be the first one that's more fun as a game than as, well, porno. The smattering of totally random images of mediocre quality is like eating in say, a fine Italian restraunt and then having the waiter punch you in the face..
Here's all the girls you get to see naked. Minus the queen and Dr. Wily over there. I'm guessing her freaked-out expression is the result of Riru taking some instruction she was given too literally. Like “Look everywhere for the MSX-12.” Including a perfectly legal fourteen year old nineteen year old maid's nether region. Sorry, I just always like to go back and try and make tenuous connections as to why things happen. Maybe Riru's just a pervert and a destructive maniac. Not like you'd do any different if you could rain plasmatic death from your fingertips.

It's not just the hentai ambushes (or Ecchi Sneak Attacks, if you prefer) that make this thing weird, though. The whole danged thing is screwed up. This game parodies Parodius. You get to fight octopuses, squids and Moai, among hordes of other... things. Level Three sees Riru besieged by armed Playstation 2 consoles. In the sky level, probably the fourth but I don't feel like checking, you get to, likely out of sheer jealousy, frag clones of mainstream flying shooter witch Cotton. Let's not even mention the bloated and nude Pikachu. By far my favorite boss in the game, as seen at right, Mobile Suit Nakoruru. Yes, a Gundam-y homage to my favorite Samurai Shodown gal. Moeagare, Nakoruru!
The final levels are when the game finally surrenders and has Riru versus To Heart. There must be some law on the books in Japan that every amateur game must have at least one To Heart character in it, usually android maid Multi. This game at least does it with style, by making her the MSX-12: an enormous, evil, bat-winged killing machine that fires bullets galore from her mop/broom thing. Defeating her leads to the final battle with that one witch girl. The easiest way to defeat her is to somehow make it through the game with all lives intact, and use all your Bombs then blast the heck out of her until you die. You'll come back with full bombs. Repeat. But don't lather or rinse, you're at a computer and that's not exactly the place to be shampooing your hair, licefarm. Yes, I'm a regular Gamepro Magazine here.

Since I haven't horrified you and disrupted your sleep patters for weeks, the standard Ecchi Attack MO, here's the weird geisha face that you fight at the end of level 2.

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