Low Rez Porno?

July 25, 2002
Author: Tome
History comes alive!

It's a common adage amongst technologists and porn aficionados alike that any advance in technology is first embraced by the pornography industry to distribute smut. The first book ever printed by Gutenberg with his totally-gnarly-to-the-max removable print printing press was, of course, a little tome of naughty doings. A book just teeming with whores and sluts and breasts just flopping out everywhere. GOD IT ROCKED. That book, of course was the Bible, in all its smutty rankness.

It takes a man to jerk to the bible; a bigger man than I to herk and jerk and SPLRRT on those gilded pages. That's why the second book to be printed with Gutenberg's phenomenal device was a compendium of naughty drawings painstakingly etched by a few local perverts and printed with much aplomb by ol' Johannes and were purchased en masse by the residents of Provincial Bavaria. In fact, so many copies of Gutenberg's pornographic prints were sold, jerked off to, and subsequently splrrrted on, that exactly zero issues of his history-making jerkrag survived more than a few years after publication. A sad thing, really, because an authentic Gutenberg Titty Rag would rake in immense amounts of cashola at Sotheby's.

Before That Fabulous Gutenberg and his Amazing Printing Machine, pornography was distributed on rocks, on slabs of marble weighing over a ton, or even painted on canvas. This proved cumbersome and socially awkward, as there was no “show desktop” button on these monuments to spread beaver. Before the printing press, most pornography had to be copied by hand by the greatest artisans and scribes. As this was a time-consuming and expensive process, most pornography enthusiasts could only afford one, maybe two pornographic images to keep them warm on those lonely nights when the Plague had swept through the cities, killing all the pretty ones and most of the ugly ones and even a couple of the hideous ones.

As we know, having a limited catalog of images to which pull your pecker to gets really boring, and fast. I can only shoot my load so many times to the two-dozen Faye pics that I've picked up over the internet or from reliable sources (“reliable sources” meaning “guys who keep sending paintbrushed-on Fayenipples to my hotmail account”). That shit gets BORING people. Scrounging the internet for better jerkmaterial isn't much better. How many times can I fill my “special sock” to Tawnee Stone's “I SUCK DICK FOR ROCKS OF CRACK DID I MENTION THAT I REPRESENT TEXAS? A-HEE HEE!” hairier-by-the-attosecond body? I really feel the pain of these medieval jerkers. Heroes for the ages, all of them.

Flash forward about three quarters of a millenium. Porn still exists, that's a given, but the means for distributing this most beloved of artforms had adapted and even more means of distribution had become available. Shortly after Samuel Morse developed the Telegraph, women of ill-repute got paid a nickel an hour to tap out smutty messages to lonely sheep herders on the plains. YOU ARE SO BIG STOP WOULD LIKE YOUR HOT DICK IN MY TENDER SNATCH STOP SHOOT IT ON MY FACE STOP. When the film camera was invented, hard-working smutketeers were the first to embrace the medium and shoot the very first pornographic videos. Terrance MacDougal And His Unfathomable Encounter With A Hook Street Lady Of Ill Repute was the very first pornographic film. And a fine piece of Victorian smut it was! By today's standards, one would find the film boring, and not the slightest bit lascivious; but you should remember that this was the EIGHTEEN EIGHTIES. Back then the moviegoing public thought that Le Voyage dans la Lune was the greatest cinematic epic to ever grace the screen. Obviously, these people have never heard of a little thing that I like to call BATTLEFIELD EARTH, the best movie ever made by humans and should go out on the next golden disc sent out of our solar system in hopes that it gets picked up by aliens so they can see how wonderfully advanced we are. NUTS TO THAT BEETHOVEN SHIT! BATTLEFIELD EARTH!

With each successive technological advancement, one sees it being embraced by the pornography industry decades before it is embraced by the mainstream. The Printing Press, Lithography, Four-Color Press, Color Xerograpy, Color Film, Analog Video, Non-Linear Editing, Digital Video and the , most wonderful fad of all, the Internet.

Fifteen years ago, back when the AARPANET was still a defense system and tool for Universities to communicate with one another, the avenues for pornography were slim. Back in the days when only text could be stuffed down the narrow pipe, lonely, horny. UNIX-using college nerds desperately cried for an outlet. Much as the desperatley lonely, horny linux dorks do today, but here I am digressing again. They found that outlet in ASCII porn.

ASCII is an acronym whose letters stand for “(the) American Standard Code for Information Interchange.” ASCII has been made famous (think in relative terms here, people) by games like Rogue and Nethack, in which you move a stupid smiley face character through a maze made of other stupid smiley faces and at signs and ampersands. Yes kids, back then that was considered the most advanced development in computing history. One fateful day in the mid eighties, an enterprising Usenet dork (whose name, sadly had been lost in the sands of the ages. Although, this is an accomplishment that I'm certain that he'd never want to be attached to) figured that if he were to convert silly, unjerkable softcore pictures from his dad's Playboy collection and upload them anonymously to an alt.binaries.gay.fags.dicksucking.fuck.usenet.is.so.goddamned.gay group, that FAME AND SUCCESS AND BROADS WOULD BE HIS! Naturally, he did not find success, and this very insignificant individual did eventually go on to make millions in stock when his eFUCKING-USELESS-SHIT.com operation got venture capital, then went IPO, and made him a multi-millionare with stock! Then the market collapesed and the bank repoed his Ferrari, his house in the Hamptons, his stripper girlfriend left him and he eventually took his life with a length of ethernet cable tied into a noose. Let this be a lesson to you, never disseminate pornography with ASCII characters.

Here I am disavowing my own advice and disseminating ASCII porn. But I do it as a chronicler of the Holocaust, an event that was originally known as the “Hentai Pornocaust” in Japan, but due to their love of shortening words to the point of no one knowing what the shit they originally meant, it became the H-Ornocaust, which was cute in a “Pokemon” kind of way, but due to the Japnanese's accidental phoenetical substitution, H-Ornocaust was read to us English-speakers as “H-Olocaust.” The hyphen was eventually dropped, thus creating the word “Holocaust” which has nothing at all to do with the event that resulted in the eradication of millions of Poles, Gypsies and political dissenters.

I hear a few ethnic jews died there too, but the rumor mill states that was just a clerical error on the part of that one secretary that Goering was boning.

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