Justify Your Love

December 20, 2002
Author: Biblecrotch
There's only one way to heaven, and we're here to show you the way

(A note to female, gay and asexual readers: You too can join in on the hentai fun! Women should just replace all of the masculine pronouns with the feminine ones, and vice versa. Gay men, replace the male pronouns with homosexual ones. If you're asking “what's a homosexual pronoun?” Then I'm doing crazy things with my hands that say “whatever times two, fly away from me (loser),” because you are obviously just pretending to be gay. Asexual fools, replace the pronouns with a crossed out genitalia that corresponds with your gender. Then stop talking to me, because I don't believe in your existence. Now that all lifestyles have been represented (save for well adjusted humans with normal sexual interests), let's get on with things, shall we? (A note on this note: Following these instructions will not change the genders that appear in images unless you have a good amount of LSD in your bloodstream. Furthermore, it will not change the fact that this is written from a male perspective. In this author's mind, thanks to prolonged exposure to Japanese anime and pornography: 1) Women are inferior creatures who, given time, will appreciate being raped and stabbed. 2) Homosexuals are a punch line, and nothing more. 3) Being PC is fine for vegan crusty punx, but it has no place in ecchi. (A note from the readers: Fukin shut UP dick-wodd!!! wher R t he nauhty pixxx and funnie capshins alreD?)))

Sorry fellas, but she doesn't really exist.
If an unhealthy portion of your time is spent downloading animated pornography (read: however long it took you to reach these parentheses), chances are you rarely get out of your house to socially interact with attractive human beings. Arguably in this category myself, I wish it were otherwise, but in all likelihood the avid hentai fan isn't getting into their desired one's pants/fur/pouch/whatever word enclothes the apple of your eye's reproductive organs. The reason for this could be one, or more, of many things. The most common (popular?) reason is that the sorry bastard with a heart full of ecchi comes fully equipped with an ideal “type” of woman. And, seeing as these preferred traits couldn't possibly exist outside the Internet, he faithfully remains by his computer's side, getting better acquainted with the disturbing creature of his dreams. I have yet to meet a fourteen-breasted dominatrix with dialysis scars and a giant nut sack for a head. Nor have I met a woman who could blow feces from her phallic clitoris, while taking the SAT's clad only in an apron and Ronald Reagan mask. I've never even met a real honest-to-god furry in my entire life. So, as you can see, reality's failings justify the existence of hentai. There are some things God just isn't willing to share with us until we reach heaven. I suppose that, for now, we'll just have to settle for hand drawn monster sex; reassured with the knowledge that God's grander creations are waiting for us in the afterlife.

Vagina Laser Tag; not since "Death Race 2000" has there been a more noble sport.
Give me a couple more paragraphs before you call up Kevorkian and explain your situation (said situation being that you need to hurry up and die so you can hang with your pal Jesus, play vagina laser tag with the disciples and exchange a quick “cross up” with your main man Moses (which, I'm guessing, is the biblical equivalent of a high-five)). I know how badly you want it, and yeah baby, God's got it. However, this is God we're talking about. I don't think He will just up and move Heaven somewhere else, or bar entry, in the foreseeable future. Unless, of course, humans start slaughtering nations in the name of God, twist scripture to justify sexual repression or use religious hierarchy to serve their own selfish, power hungry motives. But, seeing as no one in his or her right mind would pervert God's name in such a way, I think it is safe to say that heaven will be around for a long time. To quote a remark made by myself two and a half years in the future, “Heaven doesn't have an expiration date. And if it did, it would still be good for a week after the posted day.” There's still plenty of time. So really, put down the razor and turn off the Emo. That's a pretty sad way to die anyhow. Dashboard Confessional shouldn't be used as the soundtrack to your suicide. Its true purpose is one of slowly destroying any shred of intellect or good taste you had at some point in your existence. The same could be said for taking hentai seriously. With that in mind, allow me to remove any scraps of integrity you somehow have left, as we delve into the psychology of Ecchi.

Does your video game console have REALISTIC VAGINAL SECRETION PHYSICS?
If anything, the world of hentai is like a training ground for the orgiastic merrymaking that awaits us in the afterlife. Like any level of Academia, it prepares us for the next step we must take; only, in the case of hentai, the "next step" is the last one you'll ever take. This prep course is no joke, leaving little room for wasted time. How embarrassing would it be to jerk your days away, learning nothing more than the simple fact that your orgasms are at their greatest when Asuka is raped by famous baseball players and getting razors shoved in her anus? Shit man, that's nothing new. If you continue down this path, you'll end up in Heaven, only to make an ass out of yourself that same day. Maybe someone totally cool, like Abraham, is holding a barbeque beach party and you show up to play some extreme volleyball with a group of giggling Tecmo characters. As the bass from The Chronic causes your DOA playmates' breasts to jiggle with utmost realism, the ladies might call a time-out for some pointlessly gratuitous stretching exercises. So, while they do this, you turn and hobnob with Holy figures like St. Uziga and generally have a blast for the rest of that day. However, when they finally serve dessert by whipping out those tentacles and horse-head enemas, you'll... you'll what? WHAT WILL YOU DO? No one seems to be asking you which Love Hina jailbait you enjoy coaxing the come out of your crotch to the most. You're totally out of your element because you spent your whole life whacking off to bizarre porn and trying to find new and exciting things to stick between your ass cheeks.

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