Jerking With the Whole Brain

February 10, 2003
Author: Maximum Sauce
Who needs twelve step programs?

This article dedicated to Larry "Wild Man" Fischer for absolutely no reason at all.
I've heard too much bitching about the quality of hentai available online, and I'm fucking sick of it. While it's true that there's a dearth of the HOT HOT (insert greased and throbbing peccadillo here) action I'm looking for, your goddamn whining is NOT FUCKING HELPING.

Step away from the PC screen and take in your surroundings, then jerk
Yes, you. You thought I was about to tear into someone else, someone with a different pronoun? Think again, bitchstain. You are whining that Internet porn sucks.

You are complaining that your beef noodle is only drooping because nobody on the forums will send you pictures of Misty stamping on Bulbasaur's dong.

You are half-heartedly tugging to shitty cheesecake fanart on Picture Shrines, clicking and clicking and tugging and tugging until you have fucking carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists and you have to switch your mouse and jerking hands and then WHINING ON THE FORUMS THAT IT'S ALL JAPAN'S FAULT FOR BEING WAY FUCKED UP (note: no offence to Japan, which is in fact way fucked up) AND NOT ALWAYS CONFORMING TO YOUR OWN GODDAMN BESPECTACLED, SHAMEFUL UNDERAGED LESBIAN IDEALS.

You know what your problem is? You're a fucking pussy. Yeah, you've read Sak's article, nodding, and responding to no one in particular “How true, dear fellow! It is so very hard to find material to please my cultured penis these days.” You know what you're doing there? You're patting a legless Vietnam veteran on the back and telling him your feet hurt too. You're complaining about only finding shitty hazelnut chocolates in the box to a man currently munching on thrice-recycled donkey turds to survive. You need to grow a fucking set of balls, and then you need to SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS!

That's right. Maybe you've thought to yourself “Damn, I wish I didn't need to see a voluptuous girl shitting from the pores of her grotesquely hairy armpits all over a comically undeveloped prepubescent boy while her buddy laughs and slaps him on the ass with her three truncheon-sized wangs to blow my load”. Maybe you've considered slowly grading down your smut until you can successfully spooge on anything from grainy screen captures of unusually high nipple definition in Baywatch reruns upwards. Maybe you've even started work on such a process, or even managed, one blessed moment with your parents out of the house and nobody to hear how pathetically hard you need to palpate your uninterested meat in order to masturbate to the theatre of your own imagination.

Ignoring for now the fact that even if you got that far, you were probably thinking of Narumi with her unique endowments clumsily nudging all around your naked body like the largest, stiffest, most malodorous dog's tongue in the world, you're on the right track. But you're not done yet. No, you have only reached the beginning.

You've unlearned all of your bad habits now, and with a clear mind you must proceed. Anyone can jerk with no stimulation but their own hand; it's a reflex you were born with. It's nothing to be proud of, understand? You've reached the level of a twelve-year-old boy having a sudden flash of inspiration and disappearing to the bathroom to test his hypothesis. Have a fucking cookie.

The way forward now is a rocky path which discourages casual travellers, but you, you scary pervert, are ready. Every pitfall you see ahead of you will only bring new determination to your dick as you jerk your way out of it, and you will relish the challenge of the seemingly insurmountable slopes you encounter.

I mentioned earlier the need to show your balls who's boss. This is key. Your brain is master of all that it surveys, and your crotch is not excluded from that realm, not even when you're frantically rubbing at it, you fucking monkey. It is not enough to just ignore the presence of unattractive stimuli, allowing your penis to drown out all else as it bellowed its euphoric tidings into your forebrain. Did you do that when you spanked to that marathon Love Hina panty-shot slideshow you put together? YOU DID NOT, you pathetic fucking gimp, you turned up the brightness and STARED at the screen until you swore you could see Shinobu's camel toe, you widened your eyes and your pupils dilated until the images were BURNED into your retinae so that even when you screwed your eyes shut as you grunted your disappointing load onto the carpet that little piece of boundless pleasure was still staring at you from the blinding darkness. You immersed yourself in the porn, even up to the last moment. This is no different.

Jerk. Just a little, slowly at first. Look at what's in front of you right now. If your computer's desktop is porn, turn it off once you've got things moving. Look at these words. Keep jerking. If you need to, look at this crude ASCII image. It may help to maintain your erection.

8=====D ()

Don't stop jerking. Read the words, look at what's on your desk, your “Stupid Shit George W. Bush Said” calendar, some crusty plates. Take in your surroundings as you calmly pull your pecker. Keep going. You should have reached your plateau by now. Everything seems just a little bit sexier, right? You're concentrating fully on your surroundings and you're maintaining a steady jerk rate. This is good. Keep it up for a minute or two, then close your eyes, lie back and think of England sixty-nining with France while Scotland videotapes the whole thing. Jerk your way to the top of the tree and GRAB THOSE FUCKING COCONUTS! Then relax. You've earned it.

Can you beat a MASTER MASTURBATOR at his own game?
This is the basis of your self-improvement. Don't just pride yourself on jerking with whatever's around, jerk to whatever's around. Repeat the same procedure, moving from neutral material to stimuli your dick finds vaguely distasteful. If the soldier complains, WHIP HIM INTO SHAPE. Reward yourself with positive material. Jerk to the bad and the good, but never let one outpace the other. You think a single tug while looking at the most palatable picture you can find on F's Factory matches the entire folder full of Faye doujinshi you're beating to? The only loser is YOU. You're headed for the same fucking trap as you were in before, but now you're not only a goddamn WASTE of FLESH, but you've also spent hours and hours jerking to shitty porn and everyday objects for NOTHING. PLAY MORE SERIOUS!

That's it. That's all I can tell you about your growth as a person and as a proponent of self-abuse. After this, you must find your own way. When you start to wonder if the morally bankrupt shit you're doing and gawping at to get off is working, pay mind to your progress. You've now expanded the range of material you can wield your pork sword at, and with dedication to your art, you will be able to jerk to EVERYTHING.

Realise now the full extent of the tools I have placed at your disposal. You are a superhero, with the fantastic power to whip out your cock at any point and stare at your surroundings with a calm, unflinching half-smile as your hands work overtime.


Go now! Embrace your destiny!


Have we created a monster?

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