Nothing says PUNK ROCK like a band that gets its songs played at every commencement ceremony in recent history
What happened? As one of the twisted freaks out there who was into this sort of thing before anyone knew it existed, how did it go from something only talked about in hushed whispers by creepy fat guys in overstretched iron-on Ranma shirts to this monster called “hentai culture”? Sure, the creepy fat guys are still there, and they are in fact creepier, fatter, and have since adorned overstretched iron-on Chobits shirts, but there's been a frightening number of reports from my friends, neighbors, and associates of my little sexual miswiring coming up naturally in real life conversation. What? Where? Why? How? People with actual healthy romantic relationships with other members of the human race possessing doujinshi collections?


Why do we keep getting passed up, AnimeMaster? How many blowjobs do we have to give the Japanimation World #2 Academy?! Because I can keep going here, you know
The shame, the self-loathing, the feeling I'm abnormal, why, it's hardly there anymore! So why should I even look at hentai anymore without that sexy self-hatred? I mean, we've still got the old hentai-hating otaku striving for the preservation of their favorite art; as we all know, stupid fucking robots beating the tar out of each other and insipid endless love triangley comedy-soaps are the height of individual expression. And of course, there's still the usual cadre of hateful internet nerds writing for popular web sites posting week after week of hentai game reviews going for laughs at the expense of hentai by proclaiming 'rape is bad' repeatedly. You really think so, Rear-Admiral Obvious of Her Majesty's Twenty-Third No Shit Squadron? Even so, no amount of money in this world, and I encourage people to attempt to prove my hypocrisy here, please, would get me to play hentai games every goddamned week. After the seventeen millionth time my undefined personality-bereft avatar rapes his way through labyrinths of menus to a fulfilling relationship with the dewy-eyed ideal of subservient Japanese womanhood, I think I'd just as soon take my own life by stuffing the complimentary bishoujo jerknapkin down my throat and gurgle myself into the afterworld. No one in their right mind would play a hentai game, and no one without something wrong and some self-loathing complex plays hentai games repeatedly, every week, detailing their sins to the world. Why not just convert to Catholicism?

Sure, people still think hentai is terribly perverted, but the outrage tends to be more of a halfhearted, friendly shoulder jab. “Hey, check it out guys. She's growing a dick out of her anus and shitting through her cunt. Nuke Japan and all that. Hey, when's the fucking pizza getting here?”. So what's behind all this bull shit? The nature of fandoms. What's the eventual outcome of fandoms? Armageddon. The final battle between good and evil, or to be more precise, the final battle between evil and somewhat less evil.

Yes, I'm pulling this all out of my ass. Still, for reliable information, you can do worse. It's soft, cushy for sitting, and makes all sorts of bother when I have to defecate; it's a reliable, trusted friend. Throughout my short existance, I have learned to listen to my faithful ass. And you know what else I can pull out of my ass? Not ben-wa beads, you stupid shit. Blame, my anal cavity is absolutely brimming to the top with blame, and I can assure you none of that blame got up there in any booze-sodden half-conscious experiments. It just got up there on its own, I swear. No rectal sculduggery here.

Where the fuck is the very loud man dressed like a colorblind pimp smashing through walls?
Here's my explanation. You see, Watson, it's common knowledge: Fandoms are humanity's greatest folly, the catalyst for every atrocity in history, and the gateway to our eventual decline. After all, we're still reeling over the fallout from a certain two Torah self-insertion fanfictions, the Spanish Inquisition was largely the overzealous persecution of sassy and candid wiccan yaoi girls, and even World War 2 can be boiled down to Adolf Hitler's adulation for Norse and Vedic mythology, making Mein Kampf not the world's first crossover fanfiction, but certainly inflicting the most pain; though astrologers and other prophets have predicted that the eventual completion of Goku323's EVANGELION VS. SILVER SPOONS: THE FINAL CONFLICT will ultimately cause even more death, pain, and strife than the best efforts of Der Fuhrer, instigating an unprecedented reign of terror by a group known only to history as the dreaded “Fanfic Yakuza.”

Is there any way to end this cycle of doom, destruction, and cutesy anime smileys? Well, no. We're all right fucked and there is nothing we can do about it. The next question is: is there anyone we can lay the blame on? Unfortunately, strictly speaking, we would have to go all the way back to the pissy figurative-messageboard squabble Cain and Abel had over their Yahweh fandom that got Abel /banned from #continued-existence. So, unless your rock and roll can save the future and you find yourself in possession of a time-travelling phone booth, I'm afraid you're not going to have the opportunity to travel back and tell our earliest ancestors “lol stupid fanboys, get a life loozerz.” And if your rock and roll can save the future, what the hell are you doing blubbering about the disastrous effects of fandom? Get to the poor lip-synching of KISS songs already, dammit, and save us from the yiffy armageddon.

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