Inside the Hentai

January 30, 2004
Author: God of Gambling
Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Uziga




These three lines of HILARIOUS CAPITALIZED text sum up the evolution of the North American hentai community. Over these past years we've come a long way, from downloading hentai off of, to the discovery of Uziga, and to the present day where hentai can be found at the corner under the pimp hand of (the now defunct ~Ed) Hentai is our lifeblood, and the only thing keeping us from becoming full-fledged otakukin. But even with all the progress that we as a community have made, we've never really taken time to understand the hentai.

“But, I always thought it was meant for jerking purposes! What more can there be?”

It's so familiar that it feels like home.
Well sir, like most of us ecchis, you've been jerking to big tittied, focally inept, pink haired goddesses. But, like us, you've failed to see the deeper meaning in it all.

First of all, hentai is an artform. Granted, an artform that we leave our stains on, but an artform none the less. Of course you could look at my last statement and say, “Er, well of course it's art! It's drawings gurrble cock!” but then I'd have to hit you in the face with my half empty bottle of Gentleman Jack (From the makers of Jack Daniels).

We've all seen enough TV to know that all art is deep, but requires snooty bourgeois (hentai is for the proletarian!) with Oxford educations to examine it properly. Having money, of course, negates the need for hentai, as being rich gets your face recognized by the madam of the brothel. Because of that, a proper dissection of hentai has never been attempted, unless you count all those times sexual education shows dedicate one episode to examining hentai, and no one wants to do that.

I may not have obtained a Ph.D. in Hentaiology and Ecchinetics, or even so much as attended a University, or even have knowledge if such a course exists in any institution of either higher learning or special education, but without understanding the hentai we risk death. I may end up dead and dishonoured in my attempt to dissect the hentai, but sometimes there are things worth dying for, and this is one of them.

Do not forget me, for this may be our last night together. If this is how it comes to pass, let it then be known that I loved you too. I give you my amulet as a gift, and as something to remember me by. When our child is born tell him of my story, and of the father he never knew. Sadly this moment can not last forever, but as long as we remember this in our hearts we will never truly forget.


...and this is where Garland touched me. But I knocked him down!
Let's start with something we're all familiar with. Underaged schoolgirls. (To someone not familiar to hentai it might look like I'm just trying to be funny. I'm not even trying to be funny here. This is a serious look at underaged schoolgirl hentai. I apologize for the lack of funny in advance.)

The underaged schoolgirl represents the unobtainable goal, the forbidden fruit, the Zi Jin Cheng. It isn't about wanting to rape young girls to an extent where the local molester ends up looking normal, it's about satisfying a desire that we have inside us. Now before you start accusing me of saying that everyone is a child rapist at heart, let's take a look at history. Ancient Greeks and Romans would take young boys and have hot bumsex with them, and the average woman getting married in medieval times (dinner and theatre) was an oh-so innocent twelve years of age. Even today, in some places in North America, the legal age for sexual intercourse is as low as 14 (which totally means that girl was still legal even if she said she was 18). Now, I'm no Freud here, but I'd say that it's human nature for people to desire young, tender, (yet somewhat pubescent) bodies for sexual pleasure.

Then again I should probably start changing the topic, since I'm about one step away to promoting statutory rape. Which we all know is wrong. EXCEPT FOR R.KELLY! AND CATHOLIC PRIESTS! C'MON NBC, GIVE ME A TELEVISION SHOW RIGHT NOW!

Sometimes hentai isn't just meant as a tool for enhancing masturbation. You've all probably seen examples of this already, from Ecoco (admittance to masturbation over this will lead to an early death) to the Dirty Pair having sex with children's show mascots. But what possesses someone to write something this obviously retarded and sick?

They're trying to be funny.

It's not like you're unfamiliar to people doing this sort of humour anyways. How many times did your retarded friend play that “Kermit the Frog getting high” mp3 during calc while you were trying to play Pokémon on your Gameboy Advance? More than enough times to tell you that people find this kind overdone garbage funny. Maybe you got over the whole filking thing back in grade school, but for some people that day will never come. On the other hand Japan finds it funnier to have their mascots in sexual misadventures than photoshopping an axe into Barney's dinosauriffic purple foam head, or making awesome N'Stynk songs.

It's a cultural thing.

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