May 23, 2002
Author: Reverend Ragu
Since when is cartoon porn supposed to make sense?

When you're a Hentai, you quickly become accustomed to anything they'll throw at you, much like hard training in the Marine Corps. I mean, without R. Lee Ermey calling you a queer and your own self-loathing picking up the slack. After years of looking at the worst Japan has to offer, you'd think nothing could blow me away, right? Well, like charlies hiding in the scrub, no amount of training can keep the doujinshi machine from coming up from behind and laying waste to our logic and common sense.

It's not only with weird fetish shit either. I've likely seen it all in that area; the line between sweet love and gruesome death has been scrubbed away so far that I've been brushing eraser shavings away for a while trying to find it. I don't see how you can top someone nailing a screaming, hemmorhaging girl in the large intestine. Alright, fine, they probably will find SOMETHING to amaze and disgust me, but I'll cross that bridge when it's made of the still living flesh and bones of innocent virgin maidens. I'm talking about the subject matter, shit that you would never dream in a million years would be made into a fucky comic. Well, guess what, everything on heaven and earth has been appropriated by the creeping macrobiotic slime that is the Japanese doujinshi market.

When you watch an anime, you can safely do it under the assumption that there are pictures of the female lead, sporting a dick, screwing the living hell out of the supporting cast somewhere out there on the 'net. But we, the dumb apes we are, tend to forget the lessons we've learned. Sometimes, sex seems so utterly farfetched in a particular series that you forget there is a cottage industry that has sprung up around the allure of inconceivable sexual scenarios in others' intellectual property. This is why I'm not making trillions of yen heading up a doujinshi publishing empire and others are making mad Benjaminz-sama making us beat off. So it was with Metal Slug.

Hello, doujinshi creators, I LOVE YOU
Metal Slug is a cartoony, ultraviolent progenitor of Contra; a game whose female leads' portraits are drawn like mutants. Though it does represent one of the two major human vices quite well, violence, it's kind of lacking in sex appeal. In fact, I'm finding it hard to associate sex in any way with Metal Slug; maybe excluding the whole alien invaders looking like the glans penis... GODDAMMIT FREUD LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T WANT TO FUCK MY MOM ALREADY I TOLD YOU. Well, in any case, the doujinshi establishment, being composed entirely of loonball deviants with high school girls locked in their closets, had some other ideas about Metal Slug. SEXY ideas.

No, you are not hallucinating. This is honest-to-God Metal Slug doujinshi. Shit, I am blown away here. Blown away AND AROUSED. At first glance, not only does it EXIST, it also looks pretty good. The official art may be a bit freakish, but the doujinshi creators smoothed out all the problems like the 'individual art style' and 'originality' and transmogrified Eri and Fio into typical lesbo manga babe sexpots. Let's be honest with ourslves too; there is nothing sexier than a girl who knows three hundred different ways to kill you, provided she's not in the process of killing you. Hell, I guess there's worse ways to go than between the thighs of a highly trained (and hot) specialist.

Doujinshi artists, I love you so much
I've been around the block a few times. Hundred, I mean hundred times. While watching Chun-Li with a big ol' dick pissing on Cammy might have been shocking years ago, it's hardly a reason to stop the jerkparade now. I mean, dickgirl hentai is just hetero hentai with all the bits stuck on a single person, maybe two or three or four if it's a really good doujinshi. That said, the whole point of lesbian erotica is to be WITHOUT dicks. A lot of guys tend to look at lesbo porn because they're insecure looking at other men's dicks; afraid that they may suddenly be afflicted with the uncontrollable urge to take huge slabs of dudemeat in the mouth and rear. Doujinshi artists, you're not making any friends or fans by sticking dicks where they aren't wanted or needed. I mean, think of the fragile bathhouse ecosystem you're disrupting by introducing cock-starved heterosexual males, recently jarred into faggotry by dickbearing gals in comic books. These guys don't know how to shave their ass hair properly, guys. It'll basically be the gay equivalent to the Exxon Valdez spill, you know. Do you want to be responsible for that?

Yes, they did indeed give Eri and Fio penises. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good idea, guys. Japan's backwards gender politics fucking ruins my beatoff session. AGAIN. Sure, they keep the ladies down in a world of shit so that they have to resort to taking dozens of creamy loads to the face at a time to make ends meet; where would bukkake technology be without Japanese women's rights twenty years behind the west? On the flip side though, you get something like this. “The girls can fend for themselves, you say? They can take out the entire bootleg-nazi army single handedly? Bullshit, they must have cocks! How else could they have done it without dicks? I mean, broads would just cry about breaking their nails and talk about tampons, how could they win a war without a REAL tool?”

I have no major qualm with dickgirls. I suppose it's not supposed to be there, but then again neither is ninety percent of the stuff in hentai. Do real women ejaculate thick, creamy splurtage with the consistency of mayonnaise all over everything in real life? Do skinny fourteen year old girls have D cup breasts? Does having sex with Card Captor Sakura not land you an enormous Aryan Nation roommate with an unquenchable hunger for pedophile sphincter? All of it is ludicrous. But using dickgirls to advance archaic modes of thought? FUCK YOU I AIN'T PLAYING YOUR GAME. Next thing you know, the KKK will be using tentacles to assert white supremacy, and then the religious right will put out bondage videos dismantling the theory of evolution. “Do you still think we came from monkeys, WORM?” It's only a matter of time before this reactionary hentai sets us back to the dark ages.

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