I Hate Hentai: Part 1

February 28, 2002
Author: Reverend Ragu
Wildly overreacting for fun and laffs

This is good
Sometimes, hentai is great. All your favorite cartoon characters doing those things you've read about in health class, the Boy Scouts' knot-tying guide, and the juicy bits of Revelations. But then, other times, you just hate the shit out of it and want to turn your basement into a nuclear power, launching an ICBM at the Akihabara. Perhaps at a few American cities as well, as some of these people need to learn that their notebook scribbles aren't fucking getting me off, the hard way. Maybe the Italians too, they did this thing, and honestly guys, you're not fucking fooling anyone. For all the treasures that the world of hentai has given me, there's shit so punishing that it makes that whole Sisyphus rock-pushing thing look like girlie-style pushups. If there's a hell, some doujinshi artists are going there, and Card Captor Sakura's going to be there waiting for them. With a giant caterpillar for a dick. Don't worry guys, I'm going too.

What's the object of my impotent tirade today? Folks, I'm here to discuss the evil that is Cowboy Bebop hentai. I imagine everyone knows Cowboy Bebop by now, but if you don't, it's a story of interplanetary bounty hunters who single handedly turn cynical ex-anime fans into mouth-breathing fanboys and fangirls one more time. Cowboy Bebop is more or less the pinnacle of anime; the culmination of fifty years of stupid boxy robot shit and wacky love comedies that last for a thousand episodes where the two hopelessly braindead-for-each-other protagonists NEVER FUCKING GET TOGETHER. If all the Japanese animation studios just decided to shut down tomorrow and stop producing stupid boxy robot shit and wacky love comedies that last for a thousand episodes where the two hopelessly braindead-for-each-other protagonists NEVER FUCKING GET TOGETHER, people would be saying “Well, shit, at least we got Cowboy Bebop out of the deal.”

As well as being the culmination of everything good about anime, it's also the culmination of fifty years of research into cartoon tits. Therefore, we have Faye Valentine, scientifically speaking, the hottest cartoon character ever. A mischevious glint in her eyes, hot pants you could fry eggs on, and legs that go on to Alpha Centauri. She's clever, tricky, kicks ass, yet seems to wind up in handcuffs much more than is probably necessary, but no one's complaining. Faye is not only the pinnacle of anime babedom, but possibly the culmination of all science and art; the human race has but sweet oblivion to look forward to now that we have engineered Faye Valentine.

And this... is bad.
So here we have Faye, a character that was specifically designed for the SO LONELY set to fire their phasers to; a subtle-as-a-brick hint to Japan's amateur comic scene to “PLEASE SCRAWL SOME AWFUL AND TASTELESS CARTOON PORN OF ME!” However, the contrarian little bitches they all are, that's not what our cohorts in the doujinshi scene did. That would be too easy, too mainstream. These peddlers of perversion are so underground, cutting edge, so ahead of the curve that most of the sexual acts performed in hentai doujinshi will be physically impossible until 2197 when the self-repairing, artificially intelligent vulva is invented. So, what did these visionary iconoclasts have in mind for our beloved show?

The title tells the tale: Ed. Not Ed McMahon screwing Faye with a hearty “HEY-O!” and then pulling out and remarking “YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE MY GERIATRIC SEMEN ALL OVER YOUR FACE!.” Nor is it Eddie Van Halen, jamming on his axe as he jams his rockstar cock into Faye's ass. No, we're talking the Ed provided by the anime itself.

I'm not sure if “happy” is appropriate here
For those unfamiliar with Cowboy Bebop, the character in question is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, the twelve year old virtuoso hacker who everyone mistakes for a boy when they first see her. Ed is a few tracks short of a train line, and that's what makes her so endearing; a crazy little sibling who sets up a reenactment of Michaelangelo's The Last Judgement with your action figures, one that is working on some utterly foreign level from everyone else in the world but whom you can't help but love. To the vast majority of people, fucking her is the last thing that comes to mind. Most would, in fact, prefer getting intimate with any other member of the cast. This includes getting cornholed by Jet. Fuck, I'll take Ein, just get it over with.

Doujinshi artists, however, are not normal people. Therefore, what we may find completely unsexy, these guys are jacking themselves raw to. And so, we begin. In the words of a wiser man than I, “let's make a journey to the cave of monsters!.” Monsters indeed, Bubby.

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