July 14, 2002
Author: Creamy Goodness
Intrigue, excitement, hardcore rap, and BLONDE NYMPHO MAIDS

Scene: Cís Ware board meeting room.

Director : We canít compete with any of the other h-game companies producing graphics like this! What we need is a new and exciting plot which catches the market by surprise and averts everyone's attention from the fact that our artists have neither the originality nor talent to make a worthwhile game!

Peon 1: Well, how about this: We make the main character a tutor, but hereís the twist, he doesnít tutor the girls, he has sex with them!
Peon 2: And we can set the whole thing in a huge, mysterious mansion... WITH A TERRIBLE SECRET!
Peon 3: Oooh, that's nice! We could also have one of those BLONDE NYMPHO MAIDS, everyone loves BLONDE NYMPHO MAIDS!

Director : Itíll sell millions!

A question for the ages
So when you read this article about the game Gloria, please donít judge me - or her - too harshly; unlike (Or maybe like?) most of you, she was not conceived out of love, but rather conceived in criminal stupidity in a boardroom meeting. With so many bastard fathers, she was bound to turn out a little maladjusted. Besides, as in real life, the most important part of someone isnít their looks, but how good the fucking is. I mean the personality.

The game kicks off in Boston, sex capital of the United States, and Kira, our perverted hero receives word that the suspiciously wealthy Gloria family wants to get in touch with him. Naturally, they send their BLONDE NYMPHO MAID to pick him up and drive him to the mysterious mansion. Being the kind of guy I am, I cut to the chase and try to rape the girl in the car, partly out curiosity as to how they handle the sex scenes, partly to see just how horny this maid is compared to EVERY OTHER ONE ON THE FREAKING PLANET.

And being the kind of girl she is, she shoots me in the head.

And as I lay bleeding in the car, not one minute from the start of the game, she moves over to my leaking cranium and whispers “If you had wanted sex, you only had to ask me”, as everything goes black and the game bitches at me to take things more seriously. Hell, if I took things in life seriously, I wouldnít be trying to masturbate to a computer game now, would I?

Reloading, I resist all my urges to UNLEASH HOT FLUIDS on the poor woman for the time being, I let her drive me to the mansion; which, again, is so much like every other h-game that even Kira mentions how he thinks heís seen it before. We meet the head of the household (the older, experienced one) telling you the basic covering-our-asses rundown every h-game needs; none of the people in the house are really related, only adopted, so itís not incest if you sleep with two at once, and all girls in the house are older than they appear and all are totally over eighteen, so donít feel guilty when youíre ramming your dick into that kindergarten-looking girl's face. From there, you meet the rest of the girls youíre meant to tutor, none of which worth giving names to, but will from here on be referred to as “the snobby one”, “the slutty one”, “the jailbait one” and “the ethnically diverse one”, along with the BLONDE NYMPHO MAID you met before. I assume it was only copyright issues which stopped the game being marketed as “Teach the Spice Girls How to Read: Orgy Edition.”

Five minutes in, and no sex in sight. I get shown my room and made to ponder which one of these flimsy stereotypes is worthy enough to receive my wisdom and also semen. All of a sudden the door opens, and the BLONDE NYMPHO MAID shows up, asking to relieve me of my sexual urges. So I sat and watched as the first sex scene of Gloria began to play, then cried, because for some reason, this sexual act had unlocked Kiraís long hidden love of rap music. If it just for one picture I wouldnít have minded, but it goes on and on for THE WHOLE SCENE; busting some outrageous rhymes, ones that would make Slim Shady sit down and hang his head, as he busts nuts. Here, I present: “Kira Getting Down : PA Advised”

Hit it, DJ Dickchick!
My penis quests into her nest, my boneís what her twat begs to digest;
A tight delight, a religious right!
I move my finger in and out as I try to pump,
my finger felt warm inside the hole deep within her rump
I pump her faster, stronger, so much harder,
I thrust my cock with vigorous ardor
She was moaning and groaning, condoning my boning.
I was fucking her so hard she almost broke,
My hips had the force of a golfers stroke
I grab her tit, and thrust my drill bit.
I rub my finger with her love juice, and I stick it up her ass,
The sensation was a good one, though the description of it is crass.

Somewhere deep within the Cís Ware corporation's hierarchy exists a poor, deeply dissatisfied translator who Iíll call Martin, because I knew someone with that name who was a dick. Anyway, what you have witnessed is poor Martin's cry for help, hoping that someone, ANYONE watching will call him and hire him away from this job from hell, even if he has to pose as a “Gangsta Rapper” to do it. If you donít think it's hell, Iíll remind you that every time you see some translation of a schoolgirl speaking with a gallon of cum in her mouth and 20 dildos up her ass, begging for her master to fuck her, that is his tortured hand that, day in and day out, has to come up with these responses.

I feel for you, man.

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