Girls Say Yaoi = Wai!

March 16, 2002
Author: Catilina
A cautionary tale.

Reading Ecchi Attack's articles on yaoi, good as they may be, I kept thinking they weren't doing the subject justice. While some took the path of explaining it intelligently, and others just said what you were all thinking, i.e. “OH MY GOD CLOUD'S GAY!!!!!!”, something was still missing. A perspective from the inside. It's time for a field reporter's point of view.

Get used to this; it's nine-tenths of all yaoi doujinshi.
Just what is yaoi? After prolonged exposure to the subject, I'm in a perfect position to explain it in terms we can all understand. See, viewing yaoi is like listening to Swedish pop music. Like Swedish pop music, it's completely nonsensical, but the first time you hear it you love it to death. More deviously, much like Swedish pop music as well, it stays in your head ALL FUCKING DAY, having burned itself onto the inside of your fragile little skull. Unlike Swedish pop music, however, it has a lot of male on male buttfucking that warps little girls' minds. Well, unlike most of it at least, I think.

That should give you the basic idea of what yaoi is.

Contrary to popular male belief, however, not all chicks dig male on male buttfucking - or at least at first. Many are initiated into the Cult of Yaoi kicking and screaming, shoved into a metal cage, getting their still-beating hearts ripped while being lowered into a pit of lava; in the background, legions of mindless followers chant in the ancient tongue, “Vincent Valentine kawaii desu neeeee... Vincent Valentine kawaii desu neeeee...”. No exaggeration. I've got the claw marks and the criss-cross burnmarks on my back to prove it.

Becoming a yaoi fangirl usually starts with a girl's friend (or friends) getting her into it. It can therefore be assumed that, since all yaoi fangirls are initiated in this way, this all originally started with one really sick bitch who passed it on to all her friends, starting an epidemic that's spread worldwide. There's no doubt that this sickness has already spread to impoverished girls in Ethiopial; trading Salvation Army food rations in exchange for a new Escaflowne doujinshi as they starve to death. And this, my comrades, is the true tragedy of yaoi.

But as awful as yaoi is, and for as much as girls readily admit this - at least, if they hadn't already become too far gone; awash in badly drawn pictures of naked Citan Uzuki holding up -- okay, we KNOW it's not that big; who the hell are they fooling? - there are many who still partake in it. “Why?” you ask? “Why, god WHY?”, perhaps more accurately? It's for the same reason that Gundam Wing became successful in the States: If you give a girl a reasonably good-looking guy, all sense goes out the window, goes splat on the concrete, and gets trampled by the conveniently-placed marching band / steamroller / armored tank passing by, and it never occurs to them that the whole thing, minus cute guys, would be terrible. No? Take your average uke Cloud Strife doujinshi, draw breasts on Cloud, and give it to a yaoi fan. She'll throw fits, possibly beat you senseless with the nearest heavy object, and curse your name for six generations for having the audacity to show her hetero hentai.

It's the sad truth: Chicks dig guys that don't dig chicks, even if the guys happen to look like chicks, even if they do a lot of stupid-ass chick things. The whole thing about “the nasty” is a secondary concern to most girls, the primary being HOT HOT ANIME GUYZ. See, this is the reasoning behind ninety percent of all gay pairings. It isn't for something that actually makes sense, but rather because either “they'd look cute together” or “I think they'd look cute together.” Christ, I hope you men are a little more particular with your girl pairings than that. Oh wait, forget I said that.

Aren't we getting a bit pedantic here?
Extended exposure to a radioactive substance is bound to be harmful, and yaoi is no exception. After a good three or four months of viewing hardcore doujinshi (because unless you draw the shit yourself you hardly ever look at yaoi fanart-- trust me) a girl's mind becomes so muddled and warped you'd be lucky to get anything not associated with her fucked-up libido out of her. Never approach a yaoi fangirl with another man, or she'll take a quick glance at you and immediately glaze her eyes over with thoughts of the possible positions she could see the two of you in together. That is, unless you're ugly. Hope and pray that you're ugly, and that your friend is too. Unless you're hot for your friend, and wouldn't mind acting out some of the scenarios the girl has in mind.

Even if you ARE hot for your friend, you really ought not to take the girl's suggestions. It might involve really stupid fetishes, hot and sweaty threesomes, and taking fucking swords in the leg.

Yaoi has the capacity of eliminating the human race. Imagine if every single human female became engrossed in the hot gay action, unable to look at a real man without envisioning him thrusting hungrily into the nearest halfway attractive fellow male. It would be the end of procreation as we know it, leading to the eventual extinction of humanity. And it'd be all Japan's fault. Again.

Because you can still be drawn back into it even after kicking the habit, the only surefire way to prevent a girl from the demonic non-tentacled clutches of yaoi is to keep her away from it to begin with. This is hard work, because girls always think of really clever ways to hide yaoi from guys. Hard work, yes, but remember: you're saving the human race. So go out there and fuck some girl's brains out so she'll never think about guys doing guys again. For the good of humanity!

“But Catilina,” you say, “doesn't that sound just like a desperate ploy to get some?”

Fuck. I've been found out.

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