Campaign to Save My Boner

June 10, 2002
Author: Sak
Sak's boner NEEDS YOUR HELP, and not in the obvious way.

To whom it may concern (the entire fucking country of Japan / white American males aged 13-25, the breadth of their MAD ARTISTIC SKILLZ only rivaled by sheer magnitude of their acne problems): WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!? JESUS. Have I been out of the game that long? When I say “game”, I mean “jerking off to what usually amounts to poorly drawn / written / PISSED-OUT comics that hail from the LAND OF THE RISING CUM or at least kids who THINK they're from the... uh... LAND OF THE RISING CUM!!!” But I mean, HONESTLY, when did hentai become a haven for scat enthusiasts and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT THE HOLY SHIT IS UP WITH THE PERSON WHO DRAWS PICTURES OF FAIRIES GETTING SLICED UP / MARINATED / EATEN / NOT NECCESSARILY IN THAT ORDER!??!

Nostalgic? Perhaps. Jaded? Maybe. Wanting some decent JACKOFF PICTURES? A resounding “YES!”, motherfuckers. Why can't things just go back to normal for the hentai lovers out there? I'm tired of this and that and... Jesus H. Christ on a Hungarian crutch eating Twinkies, anything you sick fuckers post in the pictures forum. Folks, you're killing my boner here. FOREVER DUDE. He's not coming back. Flat-line. Gone. Kaput. Sayonara. And it's ALL JAPAN'S FAULT.

Offending Exhibit A: DICKGIRLS (PLEASE GOD NO)
As much as I hate to admit it, we need these sharply dressed, nicely groomed, properly mannered bastards. You see, as much as I hate Japan, I also... love it. For every manga of a salaryman violently ripping out the intestines of a schoolgirl and fucking the stoma, there's a manga which features pint-sized fairies doing the nasty with insects, frogs, and various other assorted wildlife, and that almost makes me proud. For every comic which prominently features two incredibly hot chicks dyking it out BUT WITH GODDAMN DICKS, there's one which features a young sailor suited schoolgirl being violated through every penetrable hole by a tentacle demon. And that almost makes me proud as well. For every doujinshi featuring Sephiroth guiding his young love probe down Cloud's Hershey highway, there's one that features Palom and Porom double teaming Rinoa. And that almost makes me proud. We need at least SOME of Nippon's population to crank out as many new episodes of La Blue Girl as humanly possible. BUT LET'S GET RID OF THE NINJA DICKGIRL THIS TIME, ALRIGHT DUDES!? JEEZ. This keeps the near-lifeless piece of flesh hanging off my pelvis happy.

But Sak,” you begin, “Isn't that kind of a double standard? I mean, all of that shit you just described was pretty fucked up - not just the stuff that you hate, but the things that interest you too. I mean, lighten the fuck up, dude. It's not like you're being forced at gunpoint to look at, let alone jerk off to, this shit. Get a grip.” YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN VOCAL CHORDS AND ALSO THE MOUTH THAT LETS THE SOUND WAVES ESCAPE AND SUCK UP THAT TONGUE BUCKO!!! Man, this isn't about YOU, or ME, it's about something much bigger (in a metaphorical way - your mileage may vary in the literal sense) - my johnson. Listen, pal, if it were up to me, I would jerk off to anything. ANYTHING. Guys pounding each others asses like there's no tomorrow? Check. Shemales defecating in each others mouths, all the while receiving fellatio from an elderly gentleman? Fucking right on, dude. Bette Midler? AS LONG AS SHE KEEPS HER FUCKING MOUTH SHUT WHILE I'M JERKING. But, ladies and gentleman, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it isn't up to me. It's up to l'il Sak, with his advisor being SAK'S SACK!!!! GET IT!??!

Graphic depiction of Tony Musante's equality to Japan.
Ever seen that movie, “The Incident”? It stars Tony Musante, Martin Sheen, and Beau Bridges (ALSO SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY ED MCMAHON), and I think all you hep cats would dig it, daddy-o. The reason I bring it up is because it can be compared to my situation. Two street thugs (Musante and Sheen - and when I say “thugs”, I mean “two kids dressed up in their fathers' WWII bomber jackets playing cops and robbers”) board a passenger car on the New York City subway and harass the shit out of everyone aboard. This goes on for WELL OVER A FUCKING HOUR, PEOPLE. Two decidedly unintimidating punks against twelve passengers. And still, none of the passengers even attempt to gang up on these Dustin Diamond lookalikes attending a Lou Reed convention. Until the end, where those fucking leather clad, S&M loving, CLOSET FAGS get their comeuppance when Beau Bridges just goes apeshit and beats Tony Musante to death WITH HIS OWN SHOES. Okay, not with his own shoes, but the real ending is almost as believable. Japan is Tony Musante (minus the mutton-chops) and Martin Sheen (minus the coked-up has-been for a son). I am Beau Bridges. AND YOU FUCKING BASTARDS ARE THE PISSANTS WHO REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP MY DICK.

I'm a simple man, and I don't ask for much. I would just like the God-given right to JERK JERK JERK MYSELF TO THE MARKET. The hand and penis were meant for each other, and when they meet, it's “simply awesome” - to quote an influential 20th century poet (Billy Ocean). Proverbial fireworks. It's like that scene in “An Officer and a Gentleman” where the newly christened “officer” Zack Mayo pulls up to Paula's workplace, and you can hear the opening notes to the instrumental version of “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.” He trots through the machinery - the cotten cutters, the sewing swillers, the DONG DELUGERS - and finally makes his way to his one true love, Paula Pokrifki. He scoops her up into his arms, and he begins to walk out through the doors of the factory, the light shining through the threshold and symbolizing a new beginning. Freeze frame. Then the credits roll and the vocal version of “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong” begins. However, when the penis denies the hand access, it's a lot like that scene where Louis Gossett's character is making Mayo do all these little bitch workouts, and he's doing stomach curls or something, and Gossett (who, for the sake of this conversation, plays the part of my penis) is like “WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!??! BLAHDHDAETC.” and Mayo (my hand) yells, “'CAUSE I'VE GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!! (now crying) I'VE GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!!”

This may all end very painfully. Look at Louis Gossett now: his career pretty much hit the wall after “An Officer and a Gentleman”, and he'll forever be remembered as Chappy from Iron Eagle parts one through four. So, people, help out my boner here. Don't be a Louis Gossett. Don't be a Tony Musante. Don't be a total fucking COCKBLOCKER. And don't tell me to go out and get some REEL POOTIE TANG, either. For God's sake, I am posting this to a website devoted to HENTAI, the only bitch whose going to be toking up on the withered joint swinging between my thighs is my next door neighbors' border collie, and even then I have to use fucking peanut butter to get her anywhere near the damn thing. So you'd all be doing me - my BONER - a favor by executing telling the populace of Japan to just KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY and get back to bringing me my TENTACLE INSECT SCHOOLGIRL pictures.


chappy fucking rules dude!!!!!

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