A Thorough Analysis of La Blue Girl Episode 1

September 17, 2002
Author: Mr. Elitist Fuckhead
About 9500 more words than this show deserves!

Like a lot of porn, La Blue Girl can be viewed as masturbation fodder, absurdist comedy, or maybe both at the same time, as long as laughing and jerking simultaneously is no problem for you. Supposedly, this thing has some sort of legendary hentai history, which I am of course gleefully unaware of since I downloaded this one episode on a whim using the 21st century marvel of file-sharing software and intend to do no research outside of it. This is the dubbed version, meaning it pushes the humor:jerking equilibrium slightly to the left; the wonders of 30-year-old Japanese women squealing like they're 18 are lost, to be replaced by the subtle joy of horrible, horrible American actors thoroughly mutilating bad dialogue already mutilated once by the translators. However, the actress in the dub's lead is acceptable with her own various sex noises (putting her above everyone else, who have no redeeming abilities at all), so it's not like you're stuck masturbating to the crappy animation, which is probably impossible.

The story is superfluous to the sexy sexy tentacle rape action and the unintentional humor, but it still deserves mentioning. According to the narrator, who sounds suspiciously like my high school American History teacher, there's been some kind of centuries-long war between the ninja clans. One of the ninja clans is entirely male (they're the evil guys), and the other (the good one) is entirely female. Interbreeding seems unlikely, so apparently ninjas reproduce asexually, which would explain why they're all such badasses. Psychologists have noted for decades how kids in single-parent homes grow up meaner and more unbalanced than the ones with the good fortune to grow up within the classically healthy nuclear family model; now imagine how pissed you'd be if you NEVER HAD A FATHER AT ALL.

“Mom, all the other kids are asking why my daddy didn't show up at the school play.”
“I'm sorry hon, you were created through an unholy form of human mitosis.”

The wild cards in this ninja-war-thing are the Shikima, a bunch of nasties over in the demon world who seem to have evolved themselves a few dozen extra penises. The Miroku clan (the chicks) somehow get ahold of this boxy-looking talisman with a mirror in the middle that lets them control these demons, and whatever gets in the mirror's reflected light gets tentacle-attacked. So obviously my first thought is that you'd want to have the thing in storage or something; if you put were to put it in the living room, then fell asleep in your la-z-boy watching a M*A*S*H rerun and the sun happened to hit it just right, you'd wake up with a start to infernal triple-penetration demon rape. That's a much bigger price to pay for bad decoration choices than if your disgustingly rich friends say it looks like ass at your next wine and brie party; unless, of course, your friends break out their huge, vinelike penises when they're upset.

The first use of the box-thing was after the evil guys tried to convert this one Miroku chick to their side by RAPING HER HORRIBLY. Now, viewed in perspective, that's just cool. You've got to be either amazingly, off-the-charts stupid or the most confident sexual badass in history to think rape as a method of political persuasion is going to work. Usually it works the other way around via the H-Game method; slowly building up mutual desire over the course of several weeks (or, alternately, slipping her some magical ninja sex potion), and only after trust is attained does one go about sealing the deal by violating her hoo-ha. They got it mixed up, silly ninjas. I suppose you can't really blame them, though, considering their asexual origins and all. In any case, the evil guys do make good use of the old hentai standard of slashing off the girl's clothing without so much as nicking the skin (which is something that should happen more often in real life), then raping her (which is the first jerk moment in the show, actually, though it's a bit too brief to ejaculate to unless you're some kind of semen god) and apparently waiting around like morons until she declares her changed loyalties. Then one of her pals (read: lesbian lovers) shows up with the box and summons a Shikima, which kills the evil ninja MALES by plunging its horrible giant PENISES into their tender anus flesh, creating huge geysers of blood. The less said about the implications of this, the better.

That leads us to the present and our heroine, Miko (age 18, yet to learn of the war, blah blah). We observe her abilities of nudity and variable hair length and are duly impressed. It's the present day. An alarm clock goes off. Thereís a shot of some lotion and a woman in a shower apparently making sure her nipples still work. Miko, still in bed and in a state of semi-dishevelment, grabs the clock and has her horrible trying-too-hard-to-be-a-valley-girl voice declare “Oh geez!! Iím damn late again!!” while her mouth says something completely different, only we canít hear it. Iím inclined to believe that the mouth was saying the actual dialogue in this case, as the totally arbitrary placement of the “damn” and the use of the word “geez,” which I have never heard in my life outside of black and white television, implies that the dub was written by aliens that want to eat our brains. I have some friends in high places looking into this.

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