The Virgins of Street Fighter Alpha 3

July 17, 2002
Author: Sak
Even Ed Honda needs to be loved.

I came home last night, and as usual, was still reelin' from the HAPPENIN' RAVE that I had just attended! Man, I was drunk off my buns and still trippin' off of THE X, and the women were flowing like THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI (EDITOR'S NOTE: Sak did in fact come home that night in an alcoholic stupor, but is not actually cool enough to be offered “THE X”, as he eloquently described it. Also, whenever you hear him mention any sort of “HAPPENIN' RAVE”, where the women flow like “THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI”, please humor him. He's a sad, dejected soul whose only friend is the local whore. Who is at least over fifty years old, has perhaps three in teeth in her head, and actually only talks to Sak because he pays her bills, if you know what I mean. FOLKS HE PURCHASES TOTALLY IMPERSONAL AND ONLY MILDLY EROTIC BLOW/HAND JOBS FROM HER.)

Laying on my bed, I ponder the mysteries of the universe. Can God create a rock so heavy that even he can not lift it? Do dreams contain hidden meaning buried under symbolism that obscures the bigger picture, or are they just part of the subconscious graveyard - bits and pieces of various thoughts scattered about various regions of your grey matter, not actually forming a cohesive message? Will Sodom from Final Fight and Street Fighter Alpha 3 ever get his dick wet? You heard it, folks. Sodom. Street Fighter Alpha 3. Never getting laid. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Sakenstein Productions presents to you a very special article:

STREET FIGHTER ALPHA 3 CHARACTERS WHO ARE NEVER GOING TO GET LAID



In an alternate dimension, I could very well be an economics professor, teaching at an Ivy League school. Maybe even Harvard! Fuck, I'd even settle for Dartmouth. In this dimension, however, I must come to the cold, depressing conclusion that life has dealt me a bad hand. I'm not a professor at an Ivy League school, and in fact, I do bitch work at a community college, doubled with the fact that I write for a website that that goes into way too much detail about the one thing less appealing than chicks with dicks: drawings of chicks with dicks. Listen, I could be doing so much with my life, but I'm writing an article about why E. Honda is never going to flick a bean. In fact, the only reason I'm doing this shit is because I'm a struggling artist - and for your information, have been compared to great artistes such as Jean Michael Basquiat, Salvador Dali, and Larry Flynt in several local arthouse magazines. Okay, they were xeroxed heavy metal zines from 1996 left neglected at the front of the local record store - There's also the fact that I owe Ragu. Big time. Let me put it this way: Las Vegas circa May 2001. Caesar's Palace. Shots of gin. Circus Circus. Shots of gin. Siegfried and Roy (not so much Roy, as Siegfried and a decidedly gay Siberian snow tiger). Shots of gin. Olympic Garden. Shots of gin. Trashcan. Shots of gin. I'd go into more detail, but there's a gag order preceding my upcoming trial. Oh, and speaking of E. Honda!


FATTY MCQUEERCAKES
Have you ever played a Street Fighter game and picked E. Honda just because you feel sorry for him? You do? Really? Dude! We TOTALLY need to go out and party sometime! We can go to Burning Man next month, and then they're having like this, big, BIG tribute to Allen Ginsberg over by the Garden of the Gods, then we can pick up some Mentone donuts, and we can TOTALLY listen to my Smiths records on vinyl over at my place! Oh, E. Honda? Dude, you could stand to lose a little weight, FATTY MCFATSTIRUP THE THIRD. Despite this I've been thinking, E. Honda seems like he would be quite the little love rocket in the sack. Just look at those fingers! That's some girth, man! It would like be taking five of us Ecchi Attackers' pricks, tying them in a bundle, and then collectively fucking a girl. Note that was most likely the first, as well as the last, time you will ever hear the words “Ecchi Attacker” and “fucking a girl” muttered in the same sentence. Or those words uttered within three volumes of each other, for that matter. Also, in Street Fighter 2, when you knock out E. Honda, his balls flop out when he hits the ground. Seriously, man. Don't tell me that's his undergarments, because undergarments don't have pubic hair. Or sweat. Or taste that salty. Anyway, the point I am trying to get at here is that them suckers are huge, man! ALERT ALERT!! A DISTRESS SIGNAL TO ALL CHICKS INTO TEA-BAGGING!!! E. HONDA HAS A HUGE SACK AND IS A 47 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!!! WOOP!!! WOOP!!! DUHHHH

Guy. Yeah, dude, the guy who kinda looks like Ryu Hayabusa. No, no, no, that WAS Ryu Hayabusa in Dead or Alive. What? No, fucker, that was Joe Musashi from Shinobi. Fuck, goddammit, he was the the cool one from Final Fight! Yes, the one who was cut from the Super Nintendo version. Jesus. Guy is like the Matt Damon of the Capcom universe, while Cody is the Ben Affleck. Both hit the big time on the same project, Cody was more open to the fame. He starred in project after project, taking huge salaries for work with little artistic merit, like, uh, Final Fight Revenge. Guy, on the other hand, could've damn well received the heartthrob treatment, but is now reduced to slink about in Cody's shadow. Still, he did wind up with starring roles in several critically acclaimed Capcom arthouse gaming jaunts, such as “Final Fight 3.” And then, well, then there were the “rumors”. Y'know. “Dude, you, uh. You, uh, hear about Guy?” You know what I'm talking about. It's the ol' Troy Aikman treatment. Who knows? Maybe this motherfucker is as gay as Dr. Cockensucken, the evil mad scientist who performs all of his experiments on cadavers of leathermen; hoping that he will one day create an undead leatherman that will suck the meanest cock of all time, but will also have the sentience and the will to break free of his evil, monomaniacal creator! A story that rings throughout the ages, making all the young studs across the land think twice before they give head to the middle-aged businessman in the men's stall at the rest area just outside of Exit 71. But I ain't sayin' that Guy is gay. And just so you know, even if a person, who by the way, IS NOT ME, does suck middle-aged businessmens' cocks in the men's room in the rest area before Exit 71, that doesn't make him gay, okay?



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