Oekaki Feh!

May 21, 2002
Author: Tome
With only your mouse and your palsied jerking hand, you too can now get in on the pornographing game.

The internet is such a wonderful place. Never before have I been exposed to such a vast depostotry of information, of culture, of people. Most of my friends and buisness acquaintances were met here on TEH INTARNET. If not for this beautiful blonde network, squatting over a TCP/IP stack's face, moaning and groaning as it flicks its packets past her clitoris... I would likely have gone on to be successful, wealthy, happy... But instead, I find myself seated in front of this box, its cathode ray embrace sucking the intellect from my skull, dragging the very literacy from my eyes. And for that, I shall never forgive The Internet, the cold, heartless, lifeless whore that she is, taking in all the big, floppy, yogurt-textured-splrrrt!ing dicks that wave in its face from every corner of this pathetic, shit-stained little globe upon which we merrily stand.

No you stupid bitch, that's why I'm only waving my ENORMOUS SLAB OF AMERICAN BEEF under your chin and pinching your nose closed so when you open your sweet little virgin mouth to take a breath I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY DICK BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CRAM IT INTO YOUR MOUTH!!
With the Internet came the stupid Internet trends. Back in '98 or so, when I finally decided to blow the dust off my 9600 baud modem that had been sitting unused since the BBS days. I found the Internet to be a vibrant, exciting place. Back then, dreck like Hamsterdance choked my narrow pipes like kidneystones and I couldn't hide from webpages that consisted of just a stupid fucking tiled animated .gif and an insipid midi file embedded without controls to SHUT IT THE FUCK UP. If you've never had the exquisite pleasure of surfing Compuserve with a modem so slow that you could surf faster by carrier pigeon, coupled with Internet Explorer 4.0, The World's Best Internet Browser, you've never experienced true Sisyphean futility. I didn't know how to use Usenet or IRC, and was relegated to searching out pornography via Altavista and Hotbot. Doing so naturally led me to sites that had those stupid, insipid fucking midi files playing in the background.

Unless she's the goatse guy, which I'm sure she isn't because the goatse guy is a guy without tits and plus one dick. Speaking of dicks, OH BABY LAP AT MINE WITH THAT SEXY WINDOWS PAINT TOUNGUE!
In 2000, as faithful ZVGQ readers would have realized, the fabled "Zero Wing" intro had been forcefully vomited into every Netizen's lexicon. I'm sure that you'd be hard pressed to find a single 'net user that hadn't at least heard the phrase SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!!! If these people existed, they were most likely the same band of tribesmen from the Belgian Congo that have never played Tetris. Goddamned savages.

AND THE ROCKETS RED GLARE, HER TITS FLOPPING IN AIR. GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT, THAT MY TURGID PENIS WAS STILL THERE. OH SAY CAN YOU SEE THROUGH THE SEMEN-STAINED SHEETS THAT BONER LAY CRA-VING...
One couldn't go two clicks without running into blink tags and animated gifs that informed you that, yes ALL MY BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU! This fucking trend was inescapable. Even over two years later, we still run into the occasional Slashdot sig that dutifully informs us that each and every last one of My Bases are no longer in My Possession. What a pity, I had almost finished researching the Yamato Gun.

OH YES, I LOVE YOUR HOT HOT JISM ON MY COLD GRAY SKIN, I AM NOT A ROBOT, NOR AM I AN ALIEN, PLEASE RETURN TO PLACING YOUR BIG AMERICAN PENIS IN MY DEMURE LITTLE FANG-RIMMED MOUTH. TEE HEE.
Now that 2002 has lifted its bukkake-lined face, strings of milky-white semen dripping from its nostrils and dribbling from the corners of its mouth like so much caked-on post-hazing vomit, we, the Internet User are faced with another stupid fucking trend:

Come on baby, show us your tits. Your black friend has no qualms with shaking her terrifying, jagged, pink nipples. Halle Berry did it, and you saw how much happier the world became after that. JUST COME ON AND MAKE WITH THE CRUDE, ALIASED GOODS, BABE!
Oekaki.



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