It's a slash orgy waiting to happen.

5. The Worst Fic I Have Ever Seen, Or Why I'm All For VHEMT.AUGHHHHH SWEET JESUS I CAN'T STAN-Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. You can take this apart, NC. Be strong. Once more into the breach.

All it takes is three words to strike fear into the hearts of rational human beings. Much like the phrases “Monty Python yaoi” or “Furry Artwork,” it dips into a well of primordial fear and disgust deep within us all, a reserve of hate you never even knew you had. That is, until the day you read the words...

“Young Ones Slash.”

...And know that God is toying with you.

“Rick smiled, weakly. “Oh. That’s alright, then... Just as long as you’re not -” He was cut off, as Vyv’s mouth closed over his. He gave a muffled ‘mph’ of protest, which was thoroughly ignored. In a last-ditch effort to convince Vyvyan that he knew what he was doing, he stabbed his tongue blindly forward.”

I WANT TO DIE.

Composure, composure, right. I'm sure there are a whole lot of you who have never even seen an episode of this classic British comedy, since it only aired on MTV in the States for a short time back in the eighties. There isn't much of a plot - a punk, a hippie, a socialist, and a....shit, I don't know what Mike was... - anyway, they live in a share house together and cause each other grave bodily harm an awful lot. There's filth, there are explosions, there are fucking weird interludes, there's even Motorhead and Madness on occasion. No homosexual sex, however. In fact, they all seemed quite straight... Or so you THOUGHT!

No, it seems that in-between torturing Neil and kicking things, good ol' Vyv (the punk) has been wanting to stick Rick (everyone's favorite acne-ridden socialist - the PEOPLE'S POET!) up the cornhole. Here we come full-circle back to the “if they hate each other, they must WANT THE SEX!” theory that keeps the yaoi machine well-oiled, since little love is shared between the two.

I can honestly say, without a doubt, that this is the most painful thing I've ever had to look at. That show was so, so, SO not associated with sex in my mind. It was, in fact, wedged somewhere between 'Naked Grandmother' and 'Battle Of Pea Ridge' in my erotic association centers. But the more you love something, the more people will want to come together and write gay fanfiction based pm ot.

“Vyvyan carefully pushed his chin upwards, and began to nuzzle at the sensitive skin of his throat. Rick giggled and clutched at his shoulders. By moving down over his chest, Vyv began to lower him back down flat on the raft. Rick went without protesting, and lay passively underneath him, until Vyv propped himself up on his hands, breaking the contact.
Vyv could feel the heartbeat as he tightened his grip slowly. Rick’s hand groped blindly downwards, and he squeezed it quickly, then shooed it back upwards.
Bending forwards, he ran his tongue lightly around the head, transferred his grip upwards, then began to lick at the base. When the whole shaft was sufficiently lubricated, he wrapped his hand completely around, and began to slide it slowly up and down. Rick’s hand drifted downwards again, and this time Vyv took it with his free one...”


I can't go on with this. I CAN'T GO ON WITH THIS MOTHER OF GOD MOTHERFUCKING YOUNG ONES SLASH I NEVER WANTED TO IMAGINE ANY OF THEM NAKED AND WHAT LOVING GOD WOULD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME BETWEEN THE EYES I COULD SCRUB UNTIL I BLED AND IT WOULDN'T COME OFF-

...The End?



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