4. But I can still doubt the existence of a loving god.

Finally, mankind has produced something more obnoxious than those "Pissing Calvin" stickers that get stuck on the rear window of trucks
Some of you might have read Chu-Chu's classic “Scientific Progress Gets Boinked” and laughed at the absurd idea of someone seriously writing Calvin and Hobbes slash. That was obviously a joke, and yet 67 flames were devoted to it by screaming ff.net devotees. However, now we have the inevitable Real Thing, AKA Something In My Bed is Drooling, and there are thirty-three reviews left, only three of which are flames. The rest? Well, here's a comparison:

Reviews For 'Scientific Progress Gets Boinked' - Joke Fic

“That was one of the worst fics of all time. It's one thing to parody something. That was just plain disgusting. Using words that have to do with sex in and of themselves does not equate to being funny. You're a total idiot. And no no NO NO NO, that was NOTHING like the Calvin universe!! God, I cannot even describe in words how much I absolutely loathe this writhing pustule of a festering sore of a fic.”

“Can't you find something else to write about? This isn't what I'd call a decent story. Please knock it off.”

“You know, I didn't think that anyone, I mean anyone, would stoop so low as to write a Calvin and Hobbes porn. I don't know why you did this, perhaps for shock value, but I ask that you stop. You've shown me just how vile and perverted some people can go. Congratulations.”

Reviews For ' Something In My Bed Is Drooling' - Real Live, Real Pretentious Slashfic

“WHY, oh WHY did I think that was so cute? Dammit, I think Ed, Edd 'n Eddy slash just permanently warped me into underage (?) slashiness. Damn damn damn-heh, seriously, this was a lot cuter than I expected it to be. It could have SO easily turned into pointless, badly written smut, but it was sweet, and even kept that slight air of innocence about it. Very good! ^_^”

“Woohoo! MAN that was great! They were so perfectly in character, it was amazing. I'm glad my fist Calvin x Hobbes fic was written by someone as talented as you are ^^ You captured the animalistic needs of both parties and Calvin's attitude to the 'cool' wonderfully, and with some lovely references to the comic (nature channels on TV, so Hobbes was watching PORN all the while!!!). Anyway. Loved it. Write more!!”

“Ooooh O_o Blimey, that was ::clears throat:: wow. Very hot, gods, very... oooh. Did I say that already? Nice!”

The moral, I think, is that if you write your tales of characters packing the fudge like Keebler Elves, but keep it “sweet” and add an “air of innocence to it,”, however the hell that's possible with underaged, interspecies sodomy, you'll be a-okay. Oh, and don't forget to be a pretentious cunt while you're at it! If they don't like it, that makes them intolerant homophobes! You've got the moral high ground grrl, get those characters to butt-fucking pronto.

“This is a Calvin & Hobbes story. This is a rated NC-17 story. In this story, there will be no plot whatsoever. In this story, Calvin and Hobbes will have sex. With each other. Sex. The boy. The tiger. Naked. Graphic smut. And, since they are both male, it will be rather gay too. Now that I have clearly spelled that out for you, you may go on to the story if you so desire. If the idea of this totally squicks you, then fuck off and read something geared to your level. If you are disgusted but perversely curious, and you decide to go ahead and read it anyway, then kindly don't whine and bitch and moan to me about how sick I am for writing it. You read it after all, now didn't you?”

I have finally learned the true meaning of Guy Fawkes Day from this harsh reprimand. I see myself for what I really am now: A normal girl who thinks Calvin and Hobbes screwing like weasels in heat is WRONG. A normal girl who would like to hunt down the authors of fics like this and take them out in as excruciating a manner as possible. Think Reservoir Dogs meets 120 Days of Sodom. Of course, that won't ever happen, because I'm lazy. But I'll bet I can get at least one of YOU out there to do it for me after reading this!

“This is so cool.” Calvin curled in closer to Hobbes' fuzzy body, reaching out with his other hand. He grinned as his fingers brushed over the tiny spines scattered along the length of Hobbes' erection. “You're even fuzzy here,” he told Hobbes in an awed voice. "It's leaking a lot, too."”


“What are you going to do?” There was no reply, and the rasp of a rough tongue down his back made him hiss and arch up convulsively. He could feel his own dick stiffen quickly, jabbing into the mattress. Hobbes purred softly as he tasted Calvin's skin. He licked everywhere, leaving no spot unbathed.

Calvin stuffed his pillow into his mouth to muffle the scream when Hobbes' tongue passed over his quivering anus. “Hobbes!” he protested weakly. “What are you doing?”

“What I should have done a long time ago” Hobbes responded, pulling out a samurai sword as long as his body. “Commiting Seppuku. Let's see you try to pair us up NOW, you yaoi-loving fuckhats!” And with that, he plunged the sword's length into his furry abdomen, twisting the blade, disembowling himself and ending the fic. FIN."”

So I made that last part up. Sue me. If I actually try to go into the sex part of the fic I'll probably snap and really hunt down the author, so let's just move on, shall we?

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