My dream of becoming a fully-fledged giggling Japanese schoolgirl is nearing completion, now that I can achieve optimal sock looseness! KAWAII DESU NE?!?!?!
Of course there's more to J-List than just hentai doujinshi and cutting edge dildo-based satire. It's also your source for misguided racial fetishism! You see, our traditional hentai culture (Peace Be Upon Utada Hikaru) has bred a generation of clumsy, chubby white boys who will settle for nothing less than slanted eyes and a sailor uniform. Hooray for fetishism beyond your means! Nothing like coveting, slowly obsessing, feeling the slow burn of resentment and disgust, and boy I could go for a suit made of beautiful, soft, almond skin...

What was I talking about? Right, asian porn. Most of it is pretty run-of-the-mill: Twenty-five year old girls trying to look fourteen in soft focus and possibly while wet on the beach. “Wet” as in “covered in dihydrogen oxide” not “wet” as in “seriously sexually aroused” because as far as I can tell it's the most mechanical, paint-by-numbers thing ever. Girl slowly takes off her top, contorts in various positions, stares at you with her best “Oh please don't look at me like that” face. Wham, splurt, done with you. Basically it's of the same caliber as Playboy with more twenty-five year old women trying to look fourteen, less forty-five year old women trying to look twenty-five, and those insane, loud, text-dense, Gamepro-had-a-baby-with-Tiger-Beat covers that the Japanese are so famous for.

Then there's the “hardcore” stuff, which is also all basically the same thing. Submissive Japanese women look ashamed while stumpy men with beer bellies and small penises manhandle them like a six year old with his sister's Barbie doll. Here's JList to explain:

“In Japanese the title means “Please be gentle with me”, but these amateur girls know that you want the best kinda lovin' you could possibly give them. It's a pictorial of all color, glossy photos in traditional settings such as Japanese homes, onsen, baths, and even outdoors (illegal!). Having sex with the photographers, these girls, a good mix of different types from gals to OLs, big breasts, to petite bodies, club girls to housewife-types this is a magazine that depicts get sex, dildo play, kimono sex, outdoor nudes and more. It's a great hardcore publication for amateur lovers.”



HELP GET ME OFF THIS COVER IT IS SUFFOCATING MEEE...
Well, the descriptions are more endearing than the western gold standard of “GIRLZ NEXT DOOR SLUTZ WANTING UR CUM.” It's also nice to know that we aren't the only ones who totally get off on lame contrivances like HOLY GOD-JESUS THEY ARE DOING IT OUTSIDE AND IT IS THEREFORE ILLEGAL. HOLY LORD MISDEMEANORS GET ME HOT.

Someday, I too will control a sprawling porn empire. Like Larry Flynt, except less crippled - this being in the nebulous “someday”, I will have then transferred my brain into the shell of a Robocop (Provided I am either rich and famous on my own or a principled and just cop gunned down by the bald guy from That '70s Show by then, otherwise I will have to go for the cheaper, Hong Kong bootleg “Robert Cop 3” model). How will I make my fortune? Easy. GIRLS JAYWALKING. We're obsessed with naked girls performing minor criminal acts, right? Well, I can combine the illicit thrill of public nudity with hot, heavy, fine-incurring minor traffic infractions. I'll move on to sloppy littering, which will undoubtably turn into the next bukkake, and maybe I'll have some nude girls pose next to a “do not walk on the grass” sign and go through a “No Thru Road”.

And listen, you sneaky pornographers of the present who do not possess hulking, justice-craving mechanical bodies: All these ideas are © copyright 2003 by ME so if I see any BANG BUS DISOBEYING POSTED SPEED LIMITS or AMATEURS WHO HAVE LIED ON THEIR RESUME BY PADDING IT WITH WORK EXPERIENCE AND CREDENTIALS THEY MAY NOT ACTUALLY HAVE, I'll see you in court, motherfuckers.

I'm also curious about “Get Sex” because it brings Mario and his Getting of Shines to mind. Naturally, I want to see up Princess Peach's dress as much as the next socially maladjusted twentysomething who spent his entire youth floating through magical dream worlds, but I don't particularly want to see Mario's hairy mediterranean ass. We already have Ron Jeremy here, guys.

So now we're spelunking through the fuckton of frighteningly obsessive idol books, and...

“The Terminator is back in the 3rd smash installment of the much-loved series. Now you can join in the fun with these exclusive, Japan-only PVC figures.”


Wh,wh,what? What are these doing here? Of course, our Austrian Overlord will soon have crushed the enemies, will have seen them driven before him, and will have heard the lamentations of their women and will therefore control everything, making his inclusion here a little bit more coherent, but unless you're stocking “Rebublican Beefcake Bi-Quarterly” (This issue: Rumsfeld's spectacular thighs! And a provocative "John Ashcroft in a thong fashioned from the Constitution" pictoral!) now, I think this is a bit premature, guys.



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