Still, shaking our fists angrily at the past won't do anything for our situation now. Granted, nothing will save us aside from that longshot hard-rock-saving-the-space scenario. But, we can participate in the next best thing: beating up on those merely tangentally related to our assured doom. With our lynch mob in tow, we take a quick jaunt across the internet, and the victim of our misguided and futile rage becomes crystal clear.

J-List dot com, Otaku Babylon.

We've seen the banner ads entreating us to fetish DVDs, Hello Kitty sex toys, and horrendously overpriced snack food everywhere, from “YO'S MEAT BALL HARDCORE HAMTARO HENTAI EMPORIUM” to “grandmasmith3456@aol.com's jesus is lord homepage”. We've all been embarassed that we are even slightly associated with a fandom so pathetic that its constituents feel the need to simulate dating on their computers. Some may call J-List a wretched hive of scum and villainy, others call it KAWAII ^____^, but one thing is for sure: Did I honestly need to know that people will pay money for DVDs of girls playing volleyball in the buff? (Secret tip for the people playing at home! Mankind has collectively accrued millions of hours of hard-core pornography! Much of it available for free, on the internet!)

I know, there's nothing wrong with a bit of old fashoned capitalism. And separating fool otaku with their money is funny enough, hell, even noble. When you force an otaku to choose between expensive import DVDs of blank-eyed homogenous Japanese women squealing like a pig in a blender and the square kilometers of spandex they'll need for their "Post-Op Asuka Langley and the Trouble with Testosterone" costume, well, it's a small victory for good taste and the eyes of nearly dozens of misguided web adventurers. So why hate the player in lieu of hating the game? As per my recognized Ph.D, (That's "Player Hater's Degree") as well as being Magna Cum Laude at the School of Blocked Cocks, It's my sworn academic duty to bring the sickle down on this operation.


The four horsemens' horses kinda, well, broke down. So they had to take the bus.
What an operation it is. I can't help but to see them as some sort of collective otaku Tony Montana; they've ruthlessly cornered the market on useless Japanese contrivances, and are in the midst of drowning in their own ill-procured affluence; suffocating in a haze of Sanrio and pukey cold canned coffee, heading toward their firey demise during a confrontation with their Japanese suppliers; bequesting them to "Say hello to my little friend" which is rather a Hello Kitty Vibrator than an M-16 with a grenade launcher and proving somewhat less effective. Of course, it's probably less dramatic than that and involves a whole lot more cutesy smileys and kitten-sounding suffixes, but the thought of Chinese Gundam model kit syndicates and H-game smuggling deals gone bad makes this bear trap of a fandom seem so much less retarded.

Part of the ridiculousness of JList is the ludicrous nature of the products, while the rest is the awkwardness of the descriptions. While simultaneously extolling the unique quality of Japanese culture and at the same time approaching it with the subtlety and sensitivity of a “HEY CHECK OUT THIS PAGE ENGRISH.COM SERIOUSLY FUNNY SHIT MAN THOSE JAPS ARE LOCO” post on a message board whose inhabitants are still Rolling On The Floor Lauging over those crazy hack-sores substituting characters of the alphabet with numbers! LOOK AT ME IF I TURN THE CALCULATOR UPSIDE-DOWN I CAN MAKE IT SAY "HELL" AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK: “BOOBLESS!” I'm not one to talk, and I suppose I should give JList a bit of credit. That nation of Japan puts out some seriously “fuck-sored” consumer goods. So call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm trying to be part of the solution, with a disjointed, overlong, in-joke riddled and completely ineffectual piece of “internet humor!” Don't come crying to me when soulbonding is mandatory and the only thing on state-run TV is endless, soul-crushing re-runs of Babylon 5 and Farscape.


“Hi. I'm Gamera. Due to a recession, I have to taxi shitheads like these around. God, I miss the days when I could be fellated by a tiny cybernetic girl whenever I wanted...”
So without further ado, here's some of JList's finest picks.

“Enjoy some of the best artwork ever in a new Chobits fan book, featuring great Chobits artwork from CLAMP and other popular artists who show tribute to the characters”


Yeah, fuck DaVinci, Van Gogh and Picasso right up their dead decomposed asses! Because - you hear this - this Chobits fan book is some of the BEST ARTWORK EVER. I told all you shitheads in Remedial Art that big sad doe-eyes and underaged cyborgs was the new wave, but did you listen? Nooo, you motherfuckers just kept giving my pictures of Chii sucking off Gamera failing grades. Well, guess what Mrs. Johnson? You can take your “inappropriate for the classroom!” notes in the margins of my MASTERWORKS, fold them up, and ram them up your goddamn clenched sphincter; I'm headed for the Museum of Modern Art with my exhibit: “CHIIGAMERA: Sad Doe-Eyed Little Girls Fellating Rocket-Powered Giant Turtles and Mrs. Anderson Has Sex with the Assistant Principal”. Bitch.



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