I'm sure I had a point in here somewhere, but fucked if I know. So then, this particular gang-rape of my senses was vomited out after a night of binge drinking, by Hirano Kouta, also known the man behind the brilliant manga Hellsing. If there's one thing you can say, the man knows quality. Hellsing is pretty much the only thing associated with Vampires left that isn't drizzled with a thick, creamy coating of flitty victorian language and girlishly beautiful men making out with each other while bemoaning the darknyss of their immortyl souls WITH A SOUNDTRACK BY LINKIN PARK, PAPA ROACH, AND KORN. On that note, I'm glad Anne Rice didn't grab zombies as her totally rad monster of choice to emasculate. “DON'T LET THE LONG HAIRED, UNISEXUALLY APPEALING, UNDEAD ANDROGYNES MAKE OUT WITH YOU OR YOU WILL JOIN THEIR UNHOLY PERT PLUS STINKING HORDES! HOLD THEM OFF WITH BAUHAUS RECORDS!” Anyway, Hellsing is completely awesome. It has vampires, it has nazis, it has nazi vampires, and it has invincible homicidal catholics, and I don't suppose I need to make the case for it any clearer.

Well, manga artists who enjoy being good and releasing quality stuff seem to be a minority in this world. I guess this would make him a crazy weirdo. “You mean you're actually going to spend time making interesting characters and an engaging plot? Dammit Kouta, we want twenty more vapid romantic comedies about a spineless halfwit by noon or you're fired!” Enter Cowgirl Ed doujinshi.


TRUE WUV IS 4-EVA
Right for the fucking balls. On the cover we are “treated” (“Treatment” as in “organ-melting doses of gamma radiation”) to a saucy picture of Ed and her right nipple. Oh, and Faye's fantastic ass, but let's not focus on the positives, we're all bitter douchebags here. First off, we have Ein sitting there in the corner. Fuck you guys, leave the hyperintelligent doggy out of your sick games. Yeah, I know, there isn't really any natural slash pairing for Ed in the whole show. This is because SHE IS NOT A SEXUAL CHARACTER. Go back to pairing Harry Potter with Hans Gruber, slashfucks, and LEAVE ED THE HELL ALONE. Then we have Ed herself. Bronzed, sweaty, toned... God-Jesus! Yeah, she's still undeveloped enough for us to realize something not quite morally acceptable is going on here; but man, the “I SWEAR SHE WAS EIGHTEEN” defense might actually have some ground here. I'm sure that when the Great-And-Mighty Patron God of Smut Illustrators up there gave Kouta his skills, they were given to him on the condition that they be used for good, and never evil. Well, from my point of view, this is pretty deceptively evil, and Mr. Kota is due for a massive stroke, rendering his deft hands virtually useless and forcing him to be fed applesauce through a straw for the rest of his days. The Smut Illustrator God Is Not Mocked.

Our story begins innocently enough. Spike has to take a piss. Not every day can be an exciting, adventure-filled day for these intrepid bounty hunters, so about all there is to do is get drunk in front of the space-tube. You wonder why they're out of money every episode? Well, high-class Russian vodka doesn't come cheaply, especially when you have to import it from gazillions of miles away. If they were cool with some Distiller's Pride, maybe they wouldn't be so broke, but Spike has to look cool at all times, no matter what. Swilling Thunderbird out of the bag? The fangirls will have none of that. So, Spike's been drinking, and his bladder is feeling it. Jet's hogging the can, though, and that man looks like he can take a pretty significant dump. As fatalistic heroes often do, our suave hero lights up a smoke in the meantime, waiting for Jet to get done and then maybe air it out for a couple of minutes, but he's dangerously close to crossing his legs and squealing “I HAVE TO GO PEEEEEEEEE”, losing his finely honed rep. Intolerable; better to walk in on Jet with his pants down giggling at a selection from the stack of Family Circus anthologies beside the toilet and tell him to hurry the fuck up than to lose his all important pussy-bait 'tude.



Trippin' his nutsack into a frenzy of dikplay.
I'm pretty sure every Bebop fan has pondered the possibility that Spike and Jet are taking turns poking Faye; what other reason is there for letting this self-serving, manipulative, sexy, sexy bitch tag along with them? Well, subtlety is beyond our buddy Hirano, and rather than walking in on Jet, pants around his ankles, guffawing “Oh, will that Jeffy EVER LEARN?!” he walks into Jet with a handcuffed, crying, and ball-gagged Faye on his jock. Haven't Bil Keane's zany, heartwarming body of work taught you anything, Jet? This time, I don't think we're going to believe that Not Me did it this time. That's your grizzled, ex-cop penis buried in Faye's crotch. Unless it was Not Me's recently paroled older brother, Consent Was Implied, I think we can rule the invisible gremlins out of this one, pal.

And we think “Why the heck is Faye crying?” Yeah, Faye winds up bound, gagged, and handcuffed every other episode of the series, and you would think she'd be beyond the whole “crying” phase here. It even seems like a bit of a stretch if you bring the whole “forceful penetration” thing into the picture; it's a bit ridiculous to think that this is the only time this has happened to her, she's an anime character for crying out loud. Sailor Moon and her companions are molested on average four times a day, the Evangelion girls seven, even Hello Kitty can't get through a day without Keroppi fondling her inappropriately on the train. Realize, however, that Faye is a special case. By some incomprehensible turn of the anime universe, Faye is apparently the least desirable anime girl ever. She has several things stacked against her: She's not fourteen or under, not subservient and nonthreatening, and is actually made out to be pretty sexy in the show. She might as well be the raisin-faced midget Cologne from Ranma 1/2 for all the doujinshi artists care; they have their icky lolita fantasies to indulge. Sadly, sitting at the singles bar, getting slammed out of her mind with Misato, Urd, and the middle school graduates of Love Hina, not getting nearly the kind of play her barely pubescent counterparts are getting, seems to be her lot in the world of anime. On second thought, I guess being raped on the shitter would be a bit of a shock for Faye.



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