Glorious Hentai Revolution

December 23, 2001
Author: Reverend Ragu
Dear Leader's huge, glorious penis shall roll over and crush all sexy redheaded symbols of Japanese capitalistic decadence.

Hello to all the perverts, closet perverts, and non-perverts who, by total coincidence, seem to keep stumbling into deviant pornography! Welcome to Ecchi Attack!, the new site that's going to kick your invisible avatar-dick in. It's going to be so intense, it will be like tentacles raping other tentacles raping other tentacles and then FINALLY raping the innocent yet cock-starved schoolgirl with F-cup breasts. Intense like a dickgirl with not ONE, not TWO, not even THREE penii, but a whole bouquet of cocks bundled up and tied with a ribbon, just for you on the occasion of your graduation!

Let's stop with the grossly exaggerated promises, as I'm probably just setting you up for disappointment anyway. Rather than boasting and filling you with unrealistic expectations, I'm here to expand your mind. Not your dick, as you can do that on your own private time. Yes, I can see what you're doing under your desk, mister. Put your hands where I can see them. This is a classroom, not a poorly maintained East Hastings peepshow booth. If you wouldn't mind, now, I'd like to discuss the relationship between hentai and successful revolutionary regimes. Most socialist utopias don't realize it, but hentai is the ideal solution to the woes of a growing revolutionary state. It dulls their sense of horror to your inevitable purge as nothing fazes you after you've seen some of that Waita-Uziga shit. It solves hunger problems if you can expose your population to enough of it that they actually begin to find the prospect of glomphing long delicious golden turds and gargling piss attractive. Production and military strength is another story altogether, but I bet there's some wild scheme that you can hatch that will harness their sexual powers to power your giant rape mecha and bring the world together under your glorious banner of peace and equality. Well, and horrible anal violation.

So, with this breakthrough in political science, I decided I had to test out the theory. Where better to test it than the beleaguered communist state of North Korea? A floundering regime in need of some serious revitalization? Well, I just happen to be good friends with ol' Kim Jong Il, or, as we call him, Kim FAT Il, which honestly isn't witty at all. Still, ol' Kimmy gets all redfaced and calls for his death squads, but calms down when I promise to let him play Oddjob next time we play Goldeneye. But I digress. So anyway, me and Kim Jong Il were just chilling in his basement a couple of years ago before his dad died, playing some Super Nintendo, listening to the new Nirvana album, and drinking his pop's beers. So I brought up my whole “Rule by hentai” theory, and his interest was piqued. “Yeah braw,” he said. “It's like... I bet if we all just chilled... and watched some porno instead of fighting all the time... The world would be awesome, man. Just awesome.” Then his dad, Kim Il Sung, glorious leader of the revolution, came down and said WHAT'S ALL THIS NOISE and Jong Il was all FUCK YOU DAD YOU DON'T OWN ME and his dad was all I DIDN'T RAISE MY GODDAMN SON TO BE SOME POTSMOKING MORON LIKE YOUR LOSER FRIEND and he was all YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE DAD I HATE YOU I'M RUNNING AWAY. Anyways, then Kim Il Sung died of a heart attack and Kim Jong Il took control of the country. So, what was his first act as Emperor of Commieland? Why, what any self respecting leader of a totalitarian regime would do, and that's fucking Asuka Langley! What better way to showcase your country's fearsome sexual ferocity and advancement in the field of hentai technology than penetrating the fourteen year old anime sex goddess herself?

So I guess Jong Il sent off for Asuka Langley by mail or something. Certainly, Gainax isn't opposed to pimping their intellectual property, what's stopping them from actually selling sexy children into slavery? So he received his very own jailbait vixen for ten easy payments of $19.95. He could have got the twofer deal, but North Korea isn't made of money, you know. No, seriously. They're starving to death over there.
Moving on, our large and in charge Dear Leader had in his possession one handcuffed hessian lolita and a crowd of excited onlookers, so what's next? Well, considering that a communist dictator and a schoolgirl mech pilot would obviously not have too much in common aside from their shared love of the feeling of new silk panties, the only thing left to do is whip out L'il Stalin and “work the gulags” so to speak. Of course, having her “Prague Spring” rolled over by communist might wasn't exactly her idea of utopian bliss, so our heroine attempts to bolt, only to have a number of symbolic representations of socialistic conformity restrain her and disrobe her with soviet efficiency.
Certainly, he has a few fans in the subscribers to “Fat Awkward Looking Middle Aged Asian Males With Large Unflattering Glasses” magazine, but despite his reported hordes of concubines, ol' Kimmy ain't the greatest lover. Luckily, in doujinshi-land, Asuka can get off to any goddamn thing. S&M, childs play. Scat play and watersports? The stomach is nature's septic tank! Tentacles? Hell, what anime girl DOESN'T like tentacles? So, despite the substandard foreplay consisting of being held down by K-dogg's thought police and his fumbly swordplay, Asuka's resistance is somewhat... French, to say the least. In fact, one would think that the little tart was a co-conspirator in the evil socialist scheme. The limited resistance works for Kim, and...
Damn! Right on her school clothes! One would think that a man who is compensating for his miniscule pecker by being a brutal dictator would have much less manchum to soak Asuka with. I'm calling shenanigans here. Is there a second spermman in the book depository? We may never know the truth. More likely, it's probably just his flunkies hiding in the bushes, jizzing in Asuka's hair, and then everyone congratulating Dear Leader on his substantial load.
With communist might proven over defenseless young mail-order schoolgirls, Kim Jong-Il's demonstration of North Korea's advanced hentai technology was complete. Now, he would show the true power by loading Asuka into a missile and destroying the hated nation of Japan WITH THEIR OWN SECRET WEAPON! The irony! Of course, with the power of red efficiency, they... Blow themselves up. Well... Shit. Kim Jong Il, I hardly knew thee. You'll always live in our hearts as the dictator who showed us the power of hentai while at the same time showing the flaws in a Stalinist state. I would say God bless him, but then there's all the “Opiate of the masses” shit and I don't think they'd really go for that. So I guess, uh, have fun in limbo or something to that effect.





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