Christine: Writer Of The Year

May 14, 2002
Author: Negative Creep
Year? More like century. Or ALL HUMAN EXISTENCE.

Christine is gone, lost in the ether of cyberspace, remembered only in hushed whispers and sinister rumours. Naturally, her fanfiction is long gone, as well. Sorry, prostate afficionados, there will be no open-palmed rubjob tonight. ~The Editor



To simulate the pain of reading a Christine fanfic, I'll be showing you Harry Potter slash pictures throughout the article. Enjoy! In this picture: I have no idea what is going on, but from that expression, he's likely taking it in the pooper.
Fanfiction.net has to be some sort of hell God has put on earth for people who actually enjoy literature, or, well, people who enjoy listening to music, watching television, or even breathing. If you hold something dear - if you really love any medium of expression - chances are some budding writer has put a yaoi fic or a lemon up on this site explaining in detail about how Zim and Dib can put aside their differences for some rousing interspecies buttsex, or how Rude and Reno fucked each other senseless in that tunnel under Midgar when they thought no one was looking, or how Sasami and Washuu captured the rest of the Tenchi cast for their sexual torture chamber - and I bet you wish I was making those up.

But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about one fanfic writer in particular. I'm here to talk about Christine.

Christine, for those of you happily unaware, is a fanfiction writer. Christine specialises in self-insertion, meaning she writes stories in which Sephiroth self-inserts himself into her “virgin pussy.” Christine is also fourteen years old, by the way, and as such, has a fourteen year old girl's knowledge of sex, or at least the view of a fourteen year old girl who has read way too many Harlequin Romance novellas and fanfiction.net lemons by equally inexperienced authors.


Without the glasses, Harry seems to transform into some smouldering bishounen hottie. A bit like Clark Kent. Gay Clark Kent. Okay, okay, Gay-ER Clark Kent.
“Sigh.....why do I always have to be a mortal stuck with the burden of me being life's bad bitch. I can't stand it anymore. I mean, there's so much going on and...a-and I'm c-cold....” I stuttered, shivering through clenched teeth, as I suddenly felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I slowly turned my head, only for my eyes to meet those of the most stunning green. The eyes that glowed with full Mako energy and power. My heart raced, I could feel my pulse quickening as I stared into...into HIS eyes. It was him....I could not believe what I was seeing. His slender face, his shining long hair, beautiful body, and mighty grip. He was a god in my eyes, and always would be. Sephiroth.”


Christine has a tenuous grip on the English language, but dammit, that's not going to stop her from being the best goddamned writer the world has ever known when she grows up. She's the best writer on fanfiction.net right now, as she'll humbly tell you, and if you try to inform her otherwise, may God have mercy on your homophobic soul.

“I have.....my ways,” He smirked as his grip on my shoulder tightened. He let out a deep breath as his warm hands slowly slid their way up my neck, it tickling a slight bit. His hand caressed my cheek gently. “You're so beautiful you know that.....” He whispered, eyeing me from head to toe, examining every part of my body with his mind.”

The “?!” is shorthand for “HELP I'M BEING MOLESTED”
Christine's understanding of how the human body works, and especially of how sex goes, is almost as iffy as her grasp on the mechanics of spelling and punctuation. She's bisexual, by the way, and has had many, many lovers in her fourteen short years, and giving herself full license to lust after video game characters of both genders. The better to put you in my next self-insertion hentai fic with, my dear. And besides, being bisexual obviously makes her BETTER THAN U YUO STUPID STUPID HOMOPHOBE NORMS U DONT UNDERSTAND ME NOONE DOES ONLY SEPHIROTH AND RIKKU DO I'LL SHOW U MOM.



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