As Much As I Would Like To, I Do Not Hate Hentai (Part 3)

September 11, 2003
Author: Reverend Ragu
Democracy is a wonderful thing.

You know, a few years ago today some nasty ca-ca hit the fan and we were smacked with an endlessly televised sucker-punch to our liberal and democratic western society. We got kicked in the balls, and the barrage of tacky plastic flags, ridiculous jingoistic assholes spouting that anyone with skin darker than a Wonderbread loaf should “GO BACK TO MEXICO, CAMEL JOCKEY”, not to mention the gratingly endless period of time where no one was allowed to call a certain utterly useless public servant the way they saw him. But it's all in the past, and it's time for us to move along. As that one song by that one band with the fucking stupid name went, “I get knocked down, but I get up again"” and following that we proceeded to “drink a whiskey drink, drink a vodka drink”, not to mention drinking a “lager drink” and took off on several “seemed like a good idea after a few pints” expeditions to drunkenly beat the sand out of several middle eastern nations before collapsing in a puddle of our own vomit.


Where oldschool God would totally bless a nation by smiting nonbelievers with fire and brimstone, newschool God seems to be intent on sprinkling fairy dust on the flag. Fuckin' sellout.
But, I'm not here to politick, as anyone formulating a political opinion from the half-lucid views of a barely literate porn site webmaster should be barred suffrage. No, I'm here to say that despite getting metaphorically cock-punched by an angry midget, our western society is still the greatest. I mean, there's all that hooplah about voting, free speech and free assembly, but the real beauty of this bold experiment called democracy is that we can masturbate to practically any shade of the pornographic rainbow! You want to whack off to the leather-clad elderly? Have at 'er, chief! Have you got a chub for the morbidly obese? No one's stopping you! You want to look at some big-eyed cartoon girl get violated from all sides by Big Pimpin' Cthulhu and his Lovecraft Crips? Well, it's a little bit gray, but I guess you're allowed. It's called freedom! Red, white and blue! Love it or leave it! Fuck the French! But just don't sell your mature comics to legal and consenting adults, as they might be police officers! Defending your FREEDOM!


SEE, SEE?! MY MAC'S MOUSE DOES TOO HAVE A SECOND BUTTON!
Ecchi Attack has always been a pulsating pit of cynicism and self-loathing, and understandably so. When you make sand castles in this sandbox called “Hentai Culture”, you're going to dig up more cat shit than nickels. You can cite Sturgeon's Law for this one, but you'll still have another nine point nine percent unaccounted for. Considering that St. Rio - not a saint in that “virtuous and Catholic” sort of way, but rather “baby-eating, Baphomet worshipping and Catholic” in the Jack Chick sense of the word - must be responsible for a good two-thirds of the gross doujinshi product of Japan, you'd probably be including some of those in the “good” ten percent if we're strictly interpreting Sturgeon's Law, and I am not prepared to put scientific method ahead of great pussy, squeezing all goodness and light out of the world.

But, on this particular day, let's not dwell on the negative. I imagine every channel on the television is doing that quite servicably, rerunning that footage we've watched ten trillion times all day and going on and on about HOW THE WORLD HAS CHANGED and WHERE WERE YOU ON SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH and STOCK MARKETS PLUNGE, SHORTAGE OF COMMEMORATIVE PLATES AND OSAMA TOILET PAPER. Disecting another terrible manga about little girls giving stool samples for less-than-medical purposes just doesn't seem kosher amidst all this doom and gloom. We need some positivity, holmes! It's a wonderful thing to live where, despite everything, we can go out and amass enormous, encyclopedic archives of cartoon smut, much more than any mortal man could possibly spurt to. That's what being a Godless heathen infidel is all about, and that's the kind of thing we all want to protect but can't, really. See, we have asthma and, well, mom wrote us this note excusing us. I don't think we can play dodgeball with the rest of the class. Can we spend the rest of the period in the Computer Lab?


If you love your nipples, treat them to some NIPPLE GEL.
Today, we need to discuss something wonderful. We're not going to explode a dirty bomb in your eyeballs like we usually do. Today is about why WE RULE and THEY DROOL and certainly not about perhaps analyzing flaws in foreign policy and why they're such total dicks to us. No, today, we discuss the one thing that puts us above those dicks that make us preempt our beloved NON STOP ROCK BLOCK of Judge Judy, followed by The People's Court, followed by Judge Joe Brown, followed by Divorce Court with bloody memorial services. Today we talk about the glory of the nipple.

Do terrorists have nipples? We've don't seen them without shirts on, so it's hard to say, but my money is on no. It's not important if the guys have nipples, they can do without them, although it must be awfully irritating to them that their lifestyle choice leads them to a life without those little bumps that give us so much pleasure. Their ladies, however? You never see any decent Fundamentalist Islamic porn, and they make their women dress up in those awful burkas, so we can only assume they're trying to avoid looking at their mates' terrible nippless voids. It's easy to see now why they dislike us so much and perform so much terroristing and attempted terroristing on our persons; our wonderful nipples are symbols of our affluence, our decadence, and they want a piece - preferrably affixed to large, supple, firm mounds of fat.



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